Life Lately

June 27, 2017
I didn't know what to call this post because what I am about to say covers a lot of time and will take up more space than I wanted to on Facebook. So, a while ago, I started praying. Like really hard type prayer. On your knees and tears and the whole nine yards. I was sure that I would get a "yes" or a "no" answer because I felt like I needed to know right now. I was praying about the whole "dating" thing. I wanted God to tell me that it would be ok to date someone so that Braden can have a good role model to look up to and help him get on his mission and so that Serenity would have someone in her life that she could take to all the daddy daughter stuff and turn to when she needs someone more than just me. I wasn't expecting Angel Moroni on my doorstep or anything, but an answer would have been nice. Well, time went on and life went on. No answer really except that every time I met someone, it didn't "feel right." So I started praying about this again, this time, with fasting and pleading and everything. Asking the bishop for advice, asking a trusted "second" mom for advice. And of course pleading with Father in Heaven. This time, I was looking at how soon I am going to be finishing school and realizing how much "free" time I will have because I won't be studying my life away. It scares me to death to finish school and it makes me feel so happy and excited at the same time. Again, no answer. Life again went on. Time has gone on. Shawn's parents went on their mission, Serenity turned 2, and I turned 39. Father's Day came and went. On my birthday, one of my sisters brought me the coolest thing ever. A watercolor of my family picture. Here's the thing. There's a back story to this picture. Spoiler alert: The rest of this blog may make you cry, so fair warning. My sister says to me that she felt inspired to have this picture made. The inspiration came 2 times in the last 6 months, the second time was so strong she couldn't ignore it. The picture is of my current little family, with Serenity painted the correct age to make it current, and Shawn is in the picture. When she gave me the picture, she said that she felt like Shawn wanted me to have a reminder of his love for me. A few days before that, I was talking to my little brother and asked him to pray for God to send a man to help me raise the kids. My brother told me that maybe Shawn would like me to be praying for patience and strength and that maybe, up until now, I had been praying for the wrong thing. Luckily I don't have a hard heart and I was willing to listen to the message my siblings were trying to tell me, or at least what I understand the message to be. That for some reason, I need to be more patient and wait for what ever is going to happen. And to not give up on God, the gospel and everything else I know to be true. My sister had a family home evening lesson about Blue, Yellow and Green. Blue life is comfortable and happy and you want to stay there forever, Yellow life is when something unexpected happens in you "blue" life. Something like losing a spouse, son, or brother. Or it can be something like having kids, or anything in your life that you don't expect or you think it will be a certain way, and find that it isn't. Green life is when you take the moments of blue and let them coexist with the moments of yellow and allow them to remake you into a Green life. My blue life was with Shawn. I had this man that loved me more than anything. He was teaching my kids the value of work, and respect. He was relating to my son, who for some reason, just trusted Shawn. He would go to him when he couldn't talk to me. We had a baby, the joy of both of our lives. Things were going good. I was talking about nursing school and Shawn loved his job as a forklift driver. The kids were starting to really accept and love Shawn. Life was good. Then yellow happened. Man, I did not like the "yellow" life. I didn't like all the tears and heartache. I didn't like feeling sad, then miserable, then sad again. I started nursing school and I entered "green" life. I still wish Shawn was here. All the time. But, I accept that he isn't here and that I can't just mope around and do nothing. I am making a new person. It's not easy, but green life isn't completely terrible. Lonely sometimes, but not terrible. Then school finished and I "ran away" to Midway because that's where I feel Shawn the very most. I watched "Collateral Beauty" and "Midway to Heaven." All I knew about these shows is that they came highly recommended. As you can imagine I cried pretty hard. From each movie, I got a little bit of a "take away" lesson. As you can see, this last month Shawn has been on my mind a whole lot. The thing is, the bottom line is, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I was privileged enough to meet a man who did everything he could for almost a year to make me happy and make my life good. I can't let Shawn go, like Kate says to in Midway to Heaven. He's a part of me and always will be. I don't know what will come next in my life. Hopefully someday, I will get eternity with Shawn, since that is still the goal.

Love

Love
Shawn taught me what love is and here's how. By loving him and feeling how he loves me. Love is not always getting along, but after the argument making sure that I'm sorry is said and meant. Love is going out to the couch and Love is making someone's birthday special even if they don't ask you to. Love is getting up out of a dead sleep at 2 am for a Taco Bell run for your spouse. Love is sitting next to your spouse in detox/rehab missing them but telling them all the great things in your day and asking about their day. Love is taking all your step kids to the store for school clothes without their mom even knowing until afterward. Love is carrying your step daughter all the way to Betos to get her food because you can't drive. Love is bringing your spouse dinner at 2 am when they work the midnight shift. Love is waking up finding your love in tears and listening to their horrible nightmares, knowing that you can't take them away or make them better. Love is watching netflix and cuddling before bed. Love is letting your step son talk all night long and hang out with you even when you have to get up early for work the next morning. Love is driving 700 miles one way to meet your step daughter. Love is letting go of your dream so your spouse can chase hers. Love is understanding. Love is kissing your husband good bye for the last time, knowing you will never see them again in this life time, wondering when you will see them again. Love is in the tears shed on birthdays, anniversaries and wedding days. Love is feeling the soft touch of your spouse making sure you are still there in the early morning when you are still kind of asleep. Love is realizing that your spouse loves you even though he can't hold you. Love is having the faith to say "yes" when common sense says "no." These things and many more make up love. I am so grateful for the many lessons Shawn continues to teach me everyday.

2nd Wedding Anniversary

I have been thinking about it a lot and wondering what we would have done today if Shawn was here.  We probably would have asked to spend the day in Midway, that being one of Shawn's favorite places to go.  Since he wasn't here to ask, I thought really hard about what would mean a lot to both of us and eventually to Serenity.  I find myself doing that a lot lately.  Living more for Serenity and her future than for anything else.  I decided that someday, when Serenity wants to know about her dad and me meeting and getting married and all that, I want to be able to show her the memories.  I drove around the valley, listening to music that reminded me of Shawn and the good times taking pictures of all the places that meant something to us.  There are places I left out or didn't add due to lack of time, or the memories were mixed.  I hope that everyone reading this is touched by what I did.  I'll add the playlist as well as the pictures.  I would encourage you all to take a moment and listen to some or all of the songs.  There are some that will shed a lot of light on Shawn and on our marriage.  I had a great day doing this and I can only hope that Serenity enjoys the memories of her dad, my husband.

 

This is where Shawn lived when I met him and we started dating.

This is the stake center where Shawn and I went to Stake Conference together and he sat by me and flirted with me the whole time.  He also met my Bishop during that Stake Conference and commented that he really liked him.

One of the first things I ever did for Shawn was give him a ride to this Subway.  He offered to buy me food in payment for the ride.  I settled for a drink instead.  This was also where I realized that I was interested in Shawn.

This was were we went on one of our official first dates.  Shawn loved the very middle of the movie theater and he loved Fast and the Furious 7, Terminator Genesis, Mockingjay and The Avengers movies, just to name a few.



One day I was picking Shawn up from work and he wanted to stop at this sandwich place.  He said that his dad took him here a lot and it was going to be the best sandwich ever.  It was of course.  Shawn knew his way around food.  He told me that his dad was the best dad ever.  He couldn't wait for me to meet his dad.  Shawn told me that his dad was perfect.  No wonder I was so afraid to meet him. 

This is where Shawn asked my dad if he would give his blessing to our marriage.  My dad said no, and I told Shawn I wanted to marry him anyway.  This is also one of Shawn's favorite restaurants.  He took Nicole, my middle daughter here a couple times, and we went on dinner dates here often.

On this very curb, Shawn asked me to marry him.  He and I were remodeling the basement of this house for one of his clients and on one of his breaks he asked me to come outside so he could ask me something.  I followed him outside and he turned to me and said, "I don't have a ring, but I really love you.  Will you please marry me?  I'll get a ring as soon as I can afford one."  I said yes.  Then I went home and prayed really hard about the situation and got a "Yes, you need to marry this man.  Don't ask questions, just do it," answer from Heavenly Father.

In this lovely home, Shawn's parents house, we got married on April 12, 2014.  I was so excited.  It was great.  All of my family and Shawn's family were there.  Nate and Brandy, Shawn's best friend and my best friend were our best man and maid of honor.  Our honeymoon was at the Manor in Midway.

Many midnight runs were made to this Taco Bell, Shawn loved to get food here.  Come to find out, he didn't really even like it, it was one of the only places open at 1 am.

The day Shawn left Cold Creek AMA, he told me he needed to attend an AA meeting right then.  I drove him to the closest one.  Who knew that just a few short months later, I would get a job here.

Shawn got his 6 months sober chip here.  This is were he found AA meetings that he came to love. 

While waiting for an AA meeting to start, Shawn and I discovered this great place to eat.  Turns out, they served us so much food, even Shawn had to get take home boxes.

This is the ward house where Shawn and I went to church.  This is also where his viewing and funeral were held.  Shawn had hoped to quit smoking before much longer so he could be the one to bless Serenity.  Instead, Wayne, Shawn's dad blessed Serenity a few days after Shawn's passing.

This beautiful headstone lies at Elysian Gardens.  I go here a lot to do homework, it's right by Fortis College where I am going to school.  I pray a lot here and cry some too.  I love how beautiful the grounds are kept and it's so peaceful here.

This is the Draper Temple where Shawn, Serenity and I will be sealed for time and all eternity.  I hope to live worthy for the rest of my days for the blessing of an eternal family.  I am not sure the date but it will be soon I hope.

Here's the playlist and the reasons I added the songs I did.
Carry On - FUN because we sang this song together while driving around the valley to his jobs when we first met.
Best Day of My Life - American Authors because he sang this song believing that he was on the brink of the best days ever concerning his company.
Blank Space - Taylor Swift One day Shawn told me that he had heard the "best song ever" and showed me this music video.  The funny thing is, I had just been singing it on the way home from work and loved it instantly.
Dark Horse - Katy Perry We were messing around on youtube one day and Shawn ran across this song.  Ever since, he played it nice and loud every time it came on the radio.
Tha' Crossroads - Bone Thugs N Harmony Of all his rap songs he liked, this one is the one that called to me the most.  It talks about what happens to us when we have to answer to God for what we did on earth.
Dear Mama - 2Pac He showed me this song and told me that he loved his mom more than any other woman on this earth.  (I think this song swears so don't listen to this one.)
Mockingbird - Eminem This song was really special to Shawn because it talks about how Eminem feels about his two daughters.  Shawn felt a lot the same way about his daughters.  He felt like he couldn't do anything right and that he was a horrible father.
Shape of my heart - Backstreet Boys One day, I went to pick Shawn up for work.  I knocked on the door and could hear this song playing through the door.  He gave me a rose and a box of chocolates that said Believe on them.  He told me that he wanted me to start believing in myself.
I swear - All 4 One Shawn loved this song because he said that this was how he felt about me.  When we first started dating, he called this our song.
Just a dream - Nelly Picked this song because Shawn never thought of himself as worthy of my love.  I found this song on his playlist on his phone shortly after he died.  This song is one of the songs that I feel has helped me see how Shawn felt when he used to tell me that he was afraid I would leave if he didn't stay sober.
Over and Over - Nelly Picked this song because it was another song from his playlist and it talks about having a hard time getting over past things.  Shawn had a hard time forgiving himself for things.  Even after we were good, he was always saying how sorry he was for stuff.  I hope now, he has found the forgiveness I wanted him to feel.
All I want - Ellie Goulding, Just Breathe - Pearl Jam and A Thousand Years - Christina Perri All of these songs are on the video montage that was done by Nick and Shara for Shawn's viewing.  They have all come to mean the world to me.
Say Something - Pentatonix Shawn said that this song was him saying goodbye to his old self and allowing a new self to come out. 
I won't give up - Jason Mraz I sang this song to Shawn when I picked him up from detox and drove him to rehab.  We both cried together.
See you again - Charlie Puth, Photograph - Ed Sheeran, Thinking out loud - Ed Sheeran, You should be here - Cole Swindell are all what I would say to Shawn if I could.  They are all great songs and I love them, even though I have to pull over and cry sometimes when I hear them.
The Dance - Garth Brooks A lot of people have asked me if I knew how it would end, would I still say yes and marry Shawn.  The answer is yes.  It's been painful but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Locked away - R. City, Adam Levine I can imagine Shawn singing this song to me and yes Shawn, I would still stand by you and love you even if you had no money.  I'm not going anywhere.
 

Life as I know it

The other day, I was thinking that I don't really know what normal for my little family is.  I know that we have our routine, we have finally gotten "situated" I guess you can say.  Looking back though, a year ago Shawn and I were planning our first wedding anniversary.  He was really excited.  Well, so was I for that matter.  I was still pregnant with Serenity then.  We were starting to slowly gather stuff for the baby.  Now, Serenity is falling into a pattern for the day and night.  The girls are starting to get "back" into extra stuff outside of school.  Braden has a job on the weekends so his routine has changed a little.  I am used to going to school and then work.  Serenity is getting ok with daycare, sort of.  She kinda whimpers when I set her down and kiss her goodbye.  She is sure happy when I get back.  I guess life has taken on a "new" normal, kinda like everyone that has been through this has said would eventually happen.  Of course there are still exciting things to look forward to.  Serenity learning to talk and walk, her first birthday, the kids all getting out of school for the summer, Braden moving back.  A long awaited road trip to see the Oregon coast and possibly meet Shawn's daughter Chloe on the way.  Oh and a new part time job.  Yes, I still have my job at Highland Ridge, just getting my feet wet in a job that can open up so real possibilities for me in the future.  Getting sealed to my little family, Serenity, Shawn and I.  So much to look forward to.  On Tuesday next week, I am celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary.  I have decided that I am going to go to all the places in the valley that remind me of the good times with Shawn, take pictures at each place, and make a book for Serenity and I to look at so that no matter where we live through the years, we have the memories Shawn left me with.  I have thought about posting the pictures at least on face book but we'll see.  I am amazed that sometimes I get so sad that I can't understand how time can continue without my best friend and soul mate.  Other times, I get so caught up in life that everything seems to be ok.

Update on life and random thoughts

So a quick update. I'm finishing up my quarter in school. I'm 18 months away from being done. It's slowly, surely getting harder. I cut back a half a shift a week at work to accommodate for more study time. Serenity is starting to scoot around the house and chase the cats. She likes getting into stuff. The girls are doing great. Braden is still at Scotts house until the end of the school year.

Ok, so I watched the movie "Concussion" today. I started wondering what if some of the reason Shawn struggled so much with retaining his memories, his addictions, and some of his behavior issues may have been made worse by all the times he hit his head and got concussions. I'm not going to say it's the only cause but I wonder if there's some validity to this. I could be just the grieving widow still trying to make sense of Shawn's death, but I just wonder if all the car accidents he was in over the years, his hockey playing and his football playing may have made his brain not work as well. Far fetched maybe, but when I get to heaven, if I remember, I'm going to ask God.

How do you do it

Seriously as I lay here in bed I wonder how all the single moms out there do it. Serenity is sick with yet another cold. Green eye boogies, green snot, can't breathe out her nose, coughing and the like. Every time she falls asleep, she wakes up coughing and crying. I am getting no sleep and oh my goodness I want to melt into tears. I can't understand why a God who is supposed to love me took Shawn at such a young age and with a newborn baby. I need him. Serenity needs him. Today I just want him back, dang it. I'm sorry it's not a positive post, but it's real at least.

How time flies... Even when we don't want it to.

Six months have come and gone just like it was yesterday.  I still remember exactly to the detail the day Shawn died.  Today in Sunday school we talked about having peace through Christ.  I'll tell you what. I remember being driven away from the cemetery by Mom and thinking "Now what?  My peace has been destroyed. God took the only man on this Earth I cared about.  I have this little baby and I don't even know how to raise her by myself."  Well, I am here to say... There IS peace through Jesus Christ.  Me and Serenity are proof of that.  I do have peace in my life.  I find peace through living the gospel.  I am relatively happy.  I miss Shawn every morning when I wake up and he's not there.  And then I get in the shower and start my day.   You better believe that I can't wait to see Shawn.  I can't wait to hug him someday.  I sure wish it was someday soon, but I don't want to leave my kids behind so if God told me it was time, I'd fight tooth and nail to stay.  I have heard it said that the music we listen to tells how we are doing and what we are feeling deep inside.  Clear back when Shawn died, I made two solid unchangeable decisions.  1. I would not change his ring tone on his phone and 2. I would leave all the music he downloaded even if it was stuff I would never listen to in a million years.  ( We had differing views of rap.)  The other day, I had the impression that I needed to listen to some of the songs on Shawn's phone.  I listened to "Just a Dream" and "Over and Over Again," both by an artist named Nelly.  When Shawn was alive he was always telling me that Nelly was so awesome and stuff.  I remember hearing him listen to these songs often.  I actually listened to the words of these songs.  The one talks about him and his significant other not staying together and how she left him and now it felt like a dream that they were even together.  I know for sure that Shawn was always afraid of losing me.  He was afraid that if he wasn't good enough I'd just pack up and leave.  I don't know why he thought that.  I told him over and over that there was not a thing he could do that would make me leave.  I loved him no matter what.  The other song made me cry.  And I don't typically cry over rap songs.  Shawn had a lot softer of a heart than he wanted people to believe.  He wrongly thought that he had to be this tough guy so people would respect him.  The song talked about how he couldn't let his past go and that it haunted him all the time and he couldn't handle it anymore.  There were many times that Shawn let his past haunt him.  He used to tell me that if I really knew who he was, I would leave.  He would wake up in sheer terror from some nightmare about me leaving, or about using, or being high and he would ask me if it was true.  The dreams were so real.  He felt so bad about his past.  He always told me to let the past be in the past, but I think he had a hard time doing that himself.  Tonight, we had this really neat lesson for family night at my sister's house.  We talked about how God loves us no matter what and it's ok, even expected that we'll make mistakes along the way.  All God asks is that we keep on getting up after we fall and we try again.  Shawn tripped on the rocks in the road, fell into some pretty deep places.  He never, ever gave up though.  He kept right on doing (as he would say, since try wasn't in his vocabulary.)  We watched this video where Elder Utchdorf talks about ugly ducklings turning into Swans.  My dear Shawn thought he was the spiritual ugly duckling in his family.  I truly hope that now he can see the Swan that I saw in him when I first met him.  Well, gotta go for the night.  Doing some quick studying before I hit the pillow.