Life Lately

June 27, 2017
I didn't know what to call this post because what I am about to say covers a lot of time and will take up more space than I wanted to on Facebook. So, a while ago, I started praying. Like really hard type prayer. On your knees and tears and the whole nine yards. I was sure that I would get a "yes" or a "no" answer because I felt like I needed to know right now. I was praying about the whole "dating" thing. I wanted God to tell me that it would be ok to date someone so that Braden can have a good role model to look up to and help him get on his mission and so that Serenity would have someone in her life that she could take to all the daddy daughter stuff and turn to when she needs someone more than just me. I wasn't expecting Angel Moroni on my doorstep or anything, but an answer would have been nice. Well, time went on and life went on. No answer really except that every time I met someone, it didn't "feel right." So I started praying about this again, this time, with fasting and pleading and everything. Asking the bishop for advice, asking a trusted "second" mom for advice. And of course pleading with Father in Heaven. This time, I was looking at how soon I am going to be finishing school and realizing how much "free" time I will have because I won't be studying my life away. It scares me to death to finish school and it makes me feel so happy and excited at the same time. Again, no answer. Life again went on. Time has gone on. Shawn's parents went on their mission, Serenity turned 2, and I turned 39. Father's Day came and went. On my birthday, one of my sisters brought me the coolest thing ever. A watercolor of my family picture. Here's the thing. There's a back story to this picture. Spoiler alert: The rest of this blog may make you cry, so fair warning. My sister says to me that she felt inspired to have this picture made. The inspiration came 2 times in the last 6 months, the second time was so strong she couldn't ignore it. The picture is of my current little family, with Serenity painted the correct age to make it current, and Shawn is in the picture. When she gave me the picture, she said that she felt like Shawn wanted me to have a reminder of his love for me. A few days before that, I was talking to my little brother and asked him to pray for God to send a man to help me raise the kids. My brother told me that maybe Shawn would like me to be praying for patience and strength and that maybe, up until now, I had been praying for the wrong thing. Luckily I don't have a hard heart and I was willing to listen to the message my siblings were trying to tell me, or at least what I understand the message to be. That for some reason, I need to be more patient and wait for what ever is going to happen. And to not give up on God, the gospel and everything else I know to be true. My sister had a family home evening lesson about Blue, Yellow and Green. Blue life is comfortable and happy and you want to stay there forever, Yellow life is when something unexpected happens in you "blue" life. Something like losing a spouse, son, or brother. Or it can be something like having kids, or anything in your life that you don't expect or you think it will be a certain way, and find that it isn't. Green life is when you take the moments of blue and let them coexist with the moments of yellow and allow them to remake you into a Green life. My blue life was with Shawn. I had this man that loved me more than anything. He was teaching my kids the value of work, and respect. He was relating to my son, who for some reason, just trusted Shawn. He would go to him when he couldn't talk to me. We had a baby, the joy of both of our lives. Things were going good. I was talking about nursing school and Shawn loved his job as a forklift driver. The kids were starting to really accept and love Shawn. Life was good. Then yellow happened. Man, I did not like the "yellow" life. I didn't like all the tears and heartache. I didn't like feeling sad, then miserable, then sad again. I started nursing school and I entered "green" life. I still wish Shawn was here. All the time. But, I accept that he isn't here and that I can't just mope around and do nothing. I am making a new person. It's not easy, but green life isn't completely terrible. Lonely sometimes, but not terrible. Then school finished and I "ran away" to Midway because that's where I feel Shawn the very most. I watched "Collateral Beauty" and "Midway to Heaven." All I knew about these shows is that they came highly recommended. As you can imagine I cried pretty hard. From each movie, I got a little bit of a "take away" lesson. As you can see, this last month Shawn has been on my mind a whole lot. The thing is, the bottom line is, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I was privileged enough to meet a man who did everything he could for almost a year to make me happy and make my life good. I can't let Shawn go, like Kate says to in Midway to Heaven. He's a part of me and always will be. I don't know what will come next in my life. Hopefully someday, I will get eternity with Shawn, since that is still the goal.