How do you do it

Seriously as I lay here in bed I wonder how all the single moms out there do it. Serenity is sick with yet another cold. Green eye boogies, green snot, can't breathe out her nose, coughing and the like. Every time she falls asleep, she wakes up coughing and crying. I am getting no sleep and oh my goodness I want to melt into tears. I can't understand why a God who is supposed to love me took Shawn at such a young age and with a newborn baby. I need him. Serenity needs him. Today I just want him back, dang it. I'm sorry it's not a positive post, but it's real at least.

How time flies... Even when we don't want it to.

Six months have come and gone just like it was yesterday.  I still remember exactly to the detail the day Shawn died.  Today in Sunday school we talked about having peace through Christ.  I'll tell you what. I remember being driven away from the cemetery by Mom and thinking "Now what?  My peace has been destroyed. God took the only man on this Earth I cared about.  I have this little baby and I don't even know how to raise her by myself."  Well, I am here to say... There IS peace through Jesus Christ.  Me and Serenity are proof of that.  I do have peace in my life.  I find peace through living the gospel.  I am relatively happy.  I miss Shawn every morning when I wake up and he's not there.  And then I get in the shower and start my day.   You better believe that I can't wait to see Shawn.  I can't wait to hug him someday.  I sure wish it was someday soon, but I don't want to leave my kids behind so if God told me it was time, I'd fight tooth and nail to stay.  I have heard it said that the music we listen to tells how we are doing and what we are feeling deep inside.  Clear back when Shawn died, I made two solid unchangeable decisions.  1. I would not change his ring tone on his phone and 2. I would leave all the music he downloaded even if it was stuff I would never listen to in a million years.  ( We had differing views of rap.)  The other day, I had the impression that I needed to listen to some of the songs on Shawn's phone.  I listened to "Just a Dream" and "Over and Over Again," both by an artist named Nelly.  When Shawn was alive he was always telling me that Nelly was so awesome and stuff.  I remember hearing him listen to these songs often.  I actually listened to the words of these songs.  The one talks about him and his significant other not staying together and how she left him and now it felt like a dream that they were even together.  I know for sure that Shawn was always afraid of losing me.  He was afraid that if he wasn't good enough I'd just pack up and leave.  I don't know why he thought that.  I told him over and over that there was not a thing he could do that would make me leave.  I loved him no matter what.  The other song made me cry.  And I don't typically cry over rap songs.  Shawn had a lot softer of a heart than he wanted people to believe.  He wrongly thought that he had to be this tough guy so people would respect him.  The song talked about how he couldn't let his past go and that it haunted him all the time and he couldn't handle it anymore.  There were many times that Shawn let his past haunt him.  He used to tell me that if I really knew who he was, I would leave.  He would wake up in sheer terror from some nightmare about me leaving, or about using, or being high and he would ask me if it was true.  The dreams were so real.  He felt so bad about his past.  He always told me to let the past be in the past, but I think he had a hard time doing that himself.  Tonight, we had this really neat lesson for family night at my sister's house.  We talked about how God loves us no matter what and it's ok, even expected that we'll make mistakes along the way.  All God asks is that we keep on getting up after we fall and we try again.  Shawn tripped on the rocks in the road, fell into some pretty deep places.  He never, ever gave up though.  He kept right on doing (as he would say, since try wasn't in his vocabulary.)  We watched this video where Elder Utchdorf talks about ugly ducklings turning into Swans.  My dear Shawn thought he was the spiritual ugly duckling in his family.  I truly hope that now he can see the Swan that I saw in him when I first met him.  Well, gotta go for the night.  Doing some quick studying before I hit the pillow.

Temple Trip and other misc thoughts

I went to the temple today and had the coolest experience.  I was doing some work for my mother in law's family.  As I was doing the work, I had the feeling that they were literally in the room with me.  This has not happened often for me.  I have to admit, I almost didn't go today because my homework load was so much that I didn't think I'd get done if I went.  On the way home from the temple, I asked God if He'll help me with the homework.  Now I just have to have the faith that He'll do it.  I have been thinking a lot of Shawn lately.  (More than normal) I was thinking how not too much longer and he'll have the opportunity of seeing what temple work is all about.  I imagine that he is happy about that.  I sure hope so at least.  I know that I am starting to get excited as I think about the fact that I can be sealed to Serenity and Shawn.  It's a big deal for me and so I'm going to make sure I prepare in every way possible for the "big day."  I am so glad Heavenly Father had a plan for all the people that died before they could learn the gospel, accept the gospel or were on the road to the temple and didn't quite make it; much like Shawn.
 
One day, we were watching a show about the crucifixion and Shawn looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked if they were really that cruel to Christ, a man who had done nothing wrong.  He couldn't wrap his head around that.  That people actually chose to kill Christ instead of letting him free.  He was so excited to study the life of Christ in Sunday School last year.  Then he had to work many Sundays and sometimes didn't feel very good so he missed church a bit.  But he always wanted to know what the kids and I learned in church.  And he fell asleep many, many nights listening to the New Testament on his phone through his ear buds.  I know he had a strong testimony of the gospel.  He also read the Book of Mormon with me and the kids and did family prayer with us.  His struggles were real, and he fought through them the best he knew how.  

Lately, when I wake up each day I feel like I've spent the night with Shawn.  Like he is with me when I am sleeping.  I have had the experience of going to bed worried that I need to talk to him about stuff that is happening with me or with the baby and when I wake up, I feel like I have worked it all out with Shawn.  I don't know how this is happening. I don't know if I'm just making it up so I can get through each day.  I do know this.  I have had things come to my mind that I'm pretty sure he's telling me.

The other day, I was walking down the hall in my house and I found a receipt from right before Shawn died.  It wasn't there and then suddenly it was.  Right after that I found part of a note I wrote Shawn last year before he died on my bedroom floor that I had just vacuumed.  I know, kinda crazy but it's all good.  I've told Shawn that he is welcome to be here whenever he wants to be and whenever he can squeeze it into his busy schedule.  Serenity is a lot more aware of his "visits." She'll stop what she's doing and look at certain "empty" spaces, smile, and then continue with whatever she's doing.  Sometimes I have that feeling of being watched or that there's someone there when there's not anyone around.  Sometimes it's really strong and sometimes it's really faint.

Through all this, I continue to see God's hand in my life.  I am so grateful He lovingly gave me a wonderful baby, nursing school, a good job which I love, friends and most of all, a supportive loving family.  All of these things help me keep my chin up and keep on going.