How time flies... Even when we don't want it to.

Six months have come and gone just like it was yesterday.  I still remember exactly to the detail the day Shawn died.  Today in Sunday school we talked about having peace through Christ.  I'll tell you what. I remember being driven away from the cemetery by Mom and thinking "Now what?  My peace has been destroyed. God took the only man on this Earth I cared about.  I have this little baby and I don't even know how to raise her by myself."  Well, I am here to say... There IS peace through Jesus Christ.  Me and Serenity are proof of that.  I do have peace in my life.  I find peace through living the gospel.  I am relatively happy.  I miss Shawn every morning when I wake up and he's not there.  And then I get in the shower and start my day.   You better believe that I can't wait to see Shawn.  I can't wait to hug him someday.  I sure wish it was someday soon, but I don't want to leave my kids behind so if God told me it was time, I'd fight tooth and nail to stay.  I have heard it said that the music we listen to tells how we are doing and what we are feeling deep inside.  Clear back when Shawn died, I made two solid unchangeable decisions.  1. I would not change his ring tone on his phone and 2. I would leave all the music he downloaded even if it was stuff I would never listen to in a million years.  ( We had differing views of rap.)  The other day, I had the impression that I needed to listen to some of the songs on Shawn's phone.  I listened to "Just a Dream" and "Over and Over Again," both by an artist named Nelly.  When Shawn was alive he was always telling me that Nelly was so awesome and stuff.  I remember hearing him listen to these songs often.  I actually listened to the words of these songs.  The one talks about him and his significant other not staying together and how she left him and now it felt like a dream that they were even together.  I know for sure that Shawn was always afraid of losing me.  He was afraid that if he wasn't good enough I'd just pack up and leave.  I don't know why he thought that.  I told him over and over that there was not a thing he could do that would make me leave.  I loved him no matter what.  The other song made me cry.  And I don't typically cry over rap songs.  Shawn had a lot softer of a heart than he wanted people to believe.  He wrongly thought that he had to be this tough guy so people would respect him.  The song talked about how he couldn't let his past go and that it haunted him all the time and he couldn't handle it anymore.  There were many times that Shawn let his past haunt him.  He used to tell me that if I really knew who he was, I would leave.  He would wake up in sheer terror from some nightmare about me leaving, or about using, or being high and he would ask me if it was true.  The dreams were so real.  He felt so bad about his past.  He always told me to let the past be in the past, but I think he had a hard time doing that himself.  Tonight, we had this really neat lesson for family night at my sister's house.  We talked about how God loves us no matter what and it's ok, even expected that we'll make mistakes along the way.  All God asks is that we keep on getting up after we fall and we try again.  Shawn tripped on the rocks in the road, fell into some pretty deep places.  He never, ever gave up though.  He kept right on doing (as he would say, since try wasn't in his vocabulary.)  We watched this video where Elder Utchdorf talks about ugly ducklings turning into Swans.  My dear Shawn thought he was the spiritual ugly duckling in his family.  I truly hope that now he can see the Swan that I saw in him when I first met him.  Well, gotta go for the night.  Doing some quick studying before I hit the pillow.