I went to the temple today and had the coolest experience. I was doing some work for my mother in law's family. As I was doing the work, I had the feeling that they were literally in the room with me. This has not happened often for me. I have to admit, I almost didn't go today because my homework load was so much that I didn't think I'd get done if I went. On the way home from the temple, I asked God if He'll help me with the homework. Now I just have to have the faith that He'll do it. I have been thinking a lot of Shawn lately. (More than normal) I was thinking how not too much longer and he'll have the opportunity of seeing what temple work is all about. I imagine that he is happy about that. I sure hope so at least. I know that I am starting to get excited as I think about the fact that I can be sealed to Serenity and Shawn. It's a big deal for me and so I'm going to make sure I prepare in every way possible for the "big day." I am so glad Heavenly Father had a plan for all the people that died before they could learn the gospel, accept the gospel or were on the road to the temple and didn't quite make it; much like Shawn.
One day, we were watching a show about the crucifixion and Shawn looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked if they were really that cruel to Christ, a man who had done nothing wrong. He couldn't wrap his head around that. That people actually chose to kill Christ instead of letting him free. He was so excited to study the life of Christ in Sunday School last year. Then he had to work many Sundays and sometimes didn't feel very good so he missed church a bit. But he always wanted to know what the kids and I learned in church. And he fell asleep many, many nights listening to the New Testament on his phone through his ear buds. I know he had a strong testimony of the gospel. He also read the Book of Mormon with me and the kids and did family prayer with us. His struggles were real, and he fought through them the best he knew how.
Lately, when I wake up each day I feel like I've spent the night with Shawn. Like he is with me when I am sleeping. I have had the experience of going to bed worried that I need to talk to him about stuff that is happening with me or with the baby and when I wake up, I feel like I have worked it all out with Shawn. I don't know how this is happening. I don't know if I'm just making it up so I can get through each day. I do know this. I have had things come to my mind that I'm pretty sure he's telling me.
The other day, I was walking down the hall in my house and I found a receipt from right before Shawn died. It wasn't there and then suddenly it was. Right after that I found part of a note I wrote Shawn last year before he died on my bedroom floor that I had just vacuumed. I know, kinda crazy but it's all good. I've told Shawn that he is welcome to be here whenever he wants to be and whenever he can squeeze it into his busy schedule. Serenity is a lot more aware of his "visits." She'll stop what she's doing and look at certain "empty" spaces, smile, and then continue with whatever she's doing. Sometimes I have that feeling of being watched or that there's someone there when there's not anyone around. Sometimes it's really strong and sometimes it's really faint.
Through all this, I continue to see God's hand in my life. I am so grateful He lovingly gave me a wonderful baby, nursing school, a good job which I love, friends and most of all, a supportive loving family. All of these things help me keep my chin up and keep on going.
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