Just a thought....

I was thinking yesterday about some things and the following came to my mind just as clear as if someone was talking to me.  It came to me that I chose this life, knowing how it would all turn out.  I got the impression that in Heaven, in our pre earth life, Shawn and I were hanging out talking about this new adventure called Earth life, when we were approached by our loving Father, or one of his angels, and told that we needed to make a choice.  We sat down together with whomever was talking to us.  We were told that we would have to leave Heaven and that we could come back if we chose to by being righteous, good people after our Earth Life was over. We were told we'd either get to choose to meet on Earth and be happy for a time together or we could meet when our Heavenly Father wanted us to meet and only be with each other for a short time before Shawn would be called home.  We would then be able to be together forever in the eternities but I'd have to be alone here on Earth for a time and Shawn would have to return to Heaven before me.  We were told that it would be really hard, there would be times we'd want to give up.  There were lots of challenges for both of us.  But when we proved we had done the best we could and lived up to the promises we made to each other and God, we could be together forever and the time apart on Earth would be a small moment.  But if we chose to be happy together on Earth and went against Heavenly Father's plan, we would not have the gospel in our lives and we would not have happiness forever.  In my mind's eye, I can see Shawn and I thinking about it for a minute or two and then Shawn answering for the both of us, (cuz that's kinda how he is) saying, ok, we'll do it God's way.  No matter how hard, you can depend on us.  We definitely want to be together forever and if this is the only way than ok.  We'll do it. I think that I then agreed with Shawn and the plan for us and our families was set in motion.  The more time passes from Shawn's death, the more I am starting to see that this is the way my life is supposed to be.  Heavenly Father provided this and many more challenges because He knew I could handle it and He knew my stubborn spirit would need them to grow.  As I look forward to the new year starting in a few days, I am filled with happiness and faith.  Faith that the new year will be a good one.  Happiness because I get another year with my kids, family and friends.  May next year be a year of peace for all, even if the peace is only in the heart and the home.

Christmas

This Christmas was a special one for Serenity and I. This was the first of many without Shawn. As I went to family events this weekend, I felt Shawn's presence very strong. There were times of tears but there were many more times of happiness. Watching Serenity explore her new toys. Watching Serenity snuggle up to her aunts and uncles. Watching my kids spend time with cousins that they feel so close to. As I brushed the snow off the headstone at the cemetery today, I was overcome with gratitude for all the people that contribute to my life and make it full and happy. Sometimes I feel so close to Shawn and I wonder if maybe our spirits communicate. There are things that I just know and I don't know how I know. Christmas is Shawn's favorite time of year. I enjoyed the holiday, and I'm glad to say I never have to have the first Christmas without him ever again. I love Shawn with all my heart.

Peace at the temple

I wanted to write about a cool experience I had in the temple yesterday. I went to do some initiatory for some family names. I had trouble with pronouncing some of the names, but I felt strong impressions about the correct pronunciation of those names and I realized that indeed those individuals were there. I started pondering Shawn and I and eternity. Of course I have had many questions about his work getting done and our sealing. I had a feeling to ask who I could talk to about my questions. I got dressed and asked one of the workers who I would talk to about ordinance questions. She directed me to the secretary for the temple president. Before I knew it, the temple president himself was talking to me. I was able to get all my questions answered and it will be a great day. It will be a live sealing and I am so excited. I am so glad we have the gospel. More on this later.

Shawn is still teaching me, even from the other side.

Ok.  This post may seem like I'm reaching for things and maybe I am.  But I get to, even if it's just to survive the loss of a very special man.  I haven't written for a long time.  I will do better.  Ever since Shawn died, I have been telling myself that if I could just go back to that day, I would do things different.  I would have taken him back to the hospital, insisting that he be checked out again.  I would have followed him outside so I could have been there the moment he collapsed.  I would have not gone back inside for the stupid phone and just screamed for help instead.  I would have...(fill in the blank)  Sometimes, these thoughts drive me insane.  They are an unending loop running around in my head.  No amount of talking them out with others, prayer or anything else has helped.  Anyone that knows Shawn knows that he loves his superhero movies and tv shows.  Well, he got me hooked to The Arrow and The Flash before he died.  Well, tonight I watched a Flash episode that Barry Allen, the main character in the show, can go back in time and save his mom from being killed.  By doing this, he gives up the relatively good life he is living, but, in return he gets his mom and dad back and gets to have a totally different life.  So, against all odds, Barry does go back.  As he steps into the room to save his mom, his other self, gestures for him to stop and not save his mom.  He stands at the door and silently watches his mom die.  He does take the chance to let her know that his future self and his father are ok.  Thus, his future doesn't change.  When he goes back to his correct time, he is asked why he didn't save his mom when he had the chance.  He is told that he could have had the perfect life and everything he'd ever wanted.  Barry says something then that really hit home to me and made me cry.  Barry said "I already have all I have ever wanted."  Watching this, I realized that if I was given the chance to go back and do something different to save Shawn and thus alter my future and that of my baby, knowing exactly what I would be giving up and not knowing what my new future would hold, I don't think I would change a thing.  As I sit here and write this, tears rolling down my face, as much as I miss Shawn, I wouldn't want to give up what my future holds.  I hope no one reading this is offended.  I need people to know that I am so grateful for every little thing in my life.  During this experience I got the distinct impression that as hard as things get sometimes, this is how it's supposed to be.  I feel like Shawn wanted me to understand that I need to look forward and let the past be the past and stop saying if I could only have....  Sometimes I feel him right next to me cheering me on.  Sometimes I don't and I know he's off doing something in heaven.  Learning, growing, loving, serving.  May all who read this be blessed especially at this magical time of year that for some reason Shawn loved with all his heart.  Merry Christmas and may God grant you all the Serenity he so lovingly grants me.