Shawn is still teaching me, even from the other side.

Ok.  This post may seem like I'm reaching for things and maybe I am.  But I get to, even if it's just to survive the loss of a very special man.  I haven't written for a long time.  I will do better.  Ever since Shawn died, I have been telling myself that if I could just go back to that day, I would do things different.  I would have taken him back to the hospital, insisting that he be checked out again.  I would have followed him outside so I could have been there the moment he collapsed.  I would have not gone back inside for the stupid phone and just screamed for help instead.  I would have...(fill in the blank)  Sometimes, these thoughts drive me insane.  They are an unending loop running around in my head.  No amount of talking them out with others, prayer or anything else has helped.  Anyone that knows Shawn knows that he loves his superhero movies and tv shows.  Well, he got me hooked to The Arrow and The Flash before he died.  Well, tonight I watched a Flash episode that Barry Allen, the main character in the show, can go back in time and save his mom from being killed.  By doing this, he gives up the relatively good life he is living, but, in return he gets his mom and dad back and gets to have a totally different life.  So, against all odds, Barry does go back.  As he steps into the room to save his mom, his other self, gestures for him to stop and not save his mom.  He stands at the door and silently watches his mom die.  He does take the chance to let her know that his future self and his father are ok.  Thus, his future doesn't change.  When he goes back to his correct time, he is asked why he didn't save his mom when he had the chance.  He is told that he could have had the perfect life and everything he'd ever wanted.  Barry says something then that really hit home to me and made me cry.  Barry said "I already have all I have ever wanted."  Watching this, I realized that if I was given the chance to go back and do something different to save Shawn and thus alter my future and that of my baby, knowing exactly what I would be giving up and not knowing what my new future would hold, I don't think I would change a thing.  As I sit here and write this, tears rolling down my face, as much as I miss Shawn, I wouldn't want to give up what my future holds.  I hope no one reading this is offended.  I need people to know that I am so grateful for every little thing in my life.  During this experience I got the distinct impression that as hard as things get sometimes, this is how it's supposed to be.  I feel like Shawn wanted me to understand that I need to look forward and let the past be the past and stop saying if I could only have....  Sometimes I feel him right next to me cheering me on.  Sometimes I don't and I know he's off doing something in heaven.  Learning, growing, loving, serving.  May all who read this be blessed especially at this magical time of year that for some reason Shawn loved with all his heart.  Merry Christmas and may God grant you all the Serenity he so lovingly grants me.