Some things I realized yesterday at the temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple with some of my family today.  I realized a few things while I was there.  The first came as quite a shock to me.  I felt the Spirit very strong from the very beginning, walking in the doors.  I knew I was were I was supposed to be.  As I sat listening to sealings being performed I started thinking about me and Shawn.  Ok, let's be real for a moment.  When is there a time I don't find an excuse to think of my husband?  But that is as it is supposed to be.  So here I am thinking about Shawn and wondering why, with the Spirit being so strong, I couldn't feel the presence of my husband in the room with me.  I have felt him around me quite a lot since his passing to the other side.  I began really thinking and pondering and praying about this.  I had a strong feeling that he wanted to be there but can't yet because his spirit isn't ready for that quite yet.  I have since started praying daily that Shawn will have the fortitude to "just keep swimming," as Dory from Finding Nemo would say.  The second was that I really can be sealed to Shawn forever.  I have always had a testimony of temple work but it never really occurred to me the depth of forever, and that my relationship with Shawn and the rest of my family will go on forever.  Once I get to the other side, all this will seem so short that it won't even matter.  What's crazy is that life here on earth is so finite and time means so much.  I pray every day that I will be worthy to be sealed to Shawn and Serenity.  That is what I am working toward.  I have a strong feeling that Shawn is working really hard towards this too.  I hope we can both be ready when the time comes to go through the temple.  Along with this realization, I had a hard thing witnessed to me.  A few days ago I read a talk from General Conference about receiving a revelation for yourself.  I don't remember the name of the talk even but I do remember that the speaker challenged us all to pray about changing just one weakness.  Then we are supposed to really ponder and listen for an answer.  I prayed for that revelation and have been really thinking about stuff in my life that needs to change.  I was told by the Holy Ghost that I need to have a cleaner, more organized house so that me and the kids can feel the Spirit more and so that Shawn will want to come visit more often.  Side note: I had been praying for Shawn's presence to be felt more and couldn't understand why my prayer wasn't being answered.  I think that this was the answer.  I know it sounds so simple to keep a house clean.  With school, full time work and having a baby, I am struggling.  Add to that I had my first really bad day with Fibromyalgia yesterday and barely had the energy to do the things that had to be done, much less any house work.  I ended up so weak that I couldn't even lift the carseat or hold Serenity for a very long at a time.  I really need to learn that I need to make sure I am sleeping enough.  Friday night, I didn't sleep good because Serenity was up most of the night.  This made the Fibro so much worse than normal.  However, we got good sleep Sat night so today was better.  I even got some homework and cleaning done.  Well, I will sign off for now.  I can't wait to see what great things happen over the next week.

Peace at the cemetery

Today I posted something about wanting information about life after death. The thing is, I was struggling so much about what's in store for my husband. I wanted a for sure "He's definitively in heaven" answer. Well, what I got was pretty cool. One of my friends posted a link to an article that highlighted some of the lds beliefs about the spirit world and repentance and different insights. After reading the article I took some flowers and a penny to Shawn's grave. The flowers were red carnations. Red for love of course, because I'm very much in love with Shawn. A penny for luck. There's actually a story behind the penny. (A future blog) As I was standing there looking at the headstone, which is beautiful by the way, it hit me that of course Shawn is in heaven. He's learning and loving and living. A loving God would want his children to have every chance they can to learn the gospel and progress through the eternities. It also hit me that when I cry or feel sad, he knows and wants to comfort me. I felt his presence for a moment as I cried. It seemed like in my heart I felt him. The holy ghost helped me feel peace as I ran back to the car to go about the rest of my day. Satan thought he could win. Nope, not today!

Catching up

An update on our lives. Serenity is now rolling over, making raspberries, smiles really big especially when I come in the room, and recognizes Braden enough to cry when he picks her up. Not sure why she does that except she doesn't see him as much anymore. Me, I'm still working full time and going to school. My first quarter is about half over. Crazy to think that. I just started. Math remains a tough subject for me and the amount of Biology homework is a bit much. At least I think so. But I'm doing ok. I'm almost done with the grief support group I was attending and it went good. I feel a little better. Shawn's head stone is finally there and it looks so nice. It feels so good to have it there. Life had found a way to continue even without Shawn. I didn't want it to, there for a while. But daily I am glad of the small things in life. Well I better get going. Just wanted to post a little something.

A day in the life

Today's lesson in relief society was about being humble. I have issues with pride but they aren't what people think. I'm too proud to ask for help. I'm slowly getting better at this. It looks as though I'll continue to be compelled to be humble due to a recent doctor's visit. I went in for a check up and some immunizations for nursing school. The doc felt that a second titer test should be done. She didn't believe that I'm not immune to chickenpox and mmr. I also mentioned some issues with constant pain I've been struggling with. She did a pressure point test and she diagnosed me with fibro myalgia. I'm learning as much as possible about the disease. There may be times I need to let go of even more pride and accept help because of that. We'll see. For now, sleep and exercise, eating better and staying positive is how I'm choosing to move forward. I'm learning more and more that I am not in charge of me life, God is. For that I am grateful. I had a really cool experience happen in church today. I'm the relief society chorister in my ward and I had a really strong feeling that we needed to sing I need the every hour today. I think it touched everyone in the room as we sang about needing our Saviour. I know I cried a little. Later on Shawn's friend Nate came to visit and brought his daughter. It was so neat to see how he is with Serenity. He's a very kind person to care about Shawn's family. All in all, a good day!

Great days ahead

Great news for the Shawn Parker family. A lot of things I had up in the air are settling the way I needed them to. I won't go into great details but a lot of worry has been elevated. The first week of school did not kill me. In fact, I rather like being in school.  Serenity did just fine in day care while I was in school. I even got my homework done. Shawn's head stone is supposed to come in within the next week. Along with all the good news I went to the temple today. It was a good experience. As I was running errands I started thinking about the future, about Shawn's and my future. I know without a doubt that he wants me and Serenity to be with him for eternity. It will be such a special day. As time passes I find myself thinking about what temple Shawn would want to go through. Please, if Shawn ever said anything about what temple he wanted to go through, let me know.

Soul mates or at least what I think about them

A soul mate is someone that you can stay up all night talking to and not get bored. A soul mate is someone that you are drawn to because you feel you knew them in some other life or time. A soul mate is someone that loves you in spite of all the crap you bring into the relationship. A soul mate sits through chick flicks with you, just to spend time with you. A soul mate cares for you throughout all time and eternity even when the going gets tough. A soul mate is a best friend. A soul mate is someone that, when they die, they can never be replaced because you will never love someone that deeply.

Kinda sappy but Shawn is my soul mate. He completes me. We are a good team. Maybe not always perfect, but we were on the right path. I miss him.

Still experiencing deja vu, which used to be our way of knowing we were on the path that God wants us to be on. When Shawn died, I asked God to continue to let me have those tiny deja vu experiences so I'd know if I was still on the right road for me and the kids. I'll write another post about deja vu at another time.

2 months gone

Ok. So first of all, I made it to the two month anniversary of Shawn's death. I cried, went to orientation at Fortis, visited the grave and talked to the love of my life about our future, went to a grief support group, and spent time with Serenity; who decided to roll over for the first time on a very special day. As I watched her roll over today, I felt that it wasn't just me cheering her on, but her Dad too. I look at all that has been accomplished in the last month and frankly I'm amazed. Thank you to all of the supporters, all the people praying for us and all the miscellaneous help rendered. I am so grateful. I'm excited about the prospect of a stable future and a reasonably happy life. I feel I'll never be totally happy until I join my husband in the next life, but I am definitely going to make the best of it. Life is good today.