Today

Today was especially hard for some reason. I just couldn't stop thinking about Shawn. I saw someone I knew in EMT school today. Just goes to show addiction can happen to anyone. Serenity smiled at me when I picked her up from the babysitter today. She gave me the biggest smiles. I was so glad to see her be so happy. She's an amazing kid, that serenity. She is learning to play with toys now. And she's trying to roll over. I'm so glad she's taking her time growing up. I want to enjoy this as long as I can.

A great time

I had the opportunity to spend some time with the Parker family this weekend. It was so good. I loved getting to know Libby, my step daughter, a little better. I enjoyed visiting with everyone and seeing all the kids running around playing.  The comraderie I felt from everyone was wonderful. The skits and songs were adorable. It was something I look forward to doing again. It cheered me up. Serenity even slept. The ground was hard, new air mattresses next year. It rained but the tent was great. Not a single leak. If Shawn could see me now. Including his daughter whenever I can and taking care of serenity as well, I hope he'd be pleased.

Serenity given

Today was a good day with many accomplishments, but with that, many more things to do.  I am so grateful to my brother in law David for coming with me to an important appointment with my bankruptcy attorney.  I feel we made the best choice possible.  Now, I have completed one of the "assignments" I got from the attorney and just have one left.  I took the girls to the dentist and Katelyn has cavities so, I had to make another appointment with then dentist.  I had a prep class at Fortis College and now I have "homework." I have to get some things squared away in the way of paperwork and studying for the Hesi entrance exam.  I passed my written exam for my CNA license and now, I have to wait to hear back about my skills test.  I talked to the Medical Examiner to finalize Shawn's death certificate and he wasn't in the office so I have to wait to hear back.  I called about possible government help with school and found out that I have to go to another appointment with a specialist.  I got Serenity's birth certificate so I can apply for WIC, yet another appointment.  In my "spare time," I am seeing a grief counselor, getting back into the church, being a mom.  And, I'm still waiting patiently for his headstone that will look so awesome when it finally comes.  I think we have a few more weeks until it comes.  I never thought that I would be so busy in conjunction with Shawn's death.  I'll be glad when things become a little more solidified and not so much stuff in the air.  I thank all those unnamed people that support me daily, texting, messaging, praying for me, helping with the kids when needed.  We'll see how the next couple weeks go.  At the end of it all, I have a great sense of peace, my serenity, that all will be well in the long run.  I just can't give up.  I must endure.

Random Thoughts about today

Thinking a lot about Shawn today.  This has been the longest and the shortest 30 days of my life.  I can't believe that only 30 days ago, Shawn died.  It seems so much longer.  At the same time I feel like, "Wow, 30 days already?! If time speeds by like this then hey I can handle this."  It's strange to me to think that I am starting to do things that I did right after he died.  Like pay certain monthly bills, buy certain things that we have run out of.  I echo what I said before.  I don't want to live without Shawn.  It's not that I can't, obviously I can.  But I don't want to.  Strangely, life is continuing.  In the last 30 days I have accomplished a lot.  I started seeing a grief counselor, I got called to be the relief society chorister, the bathroom is almost done, Serenity has gotten a month older, Braden moved out, the kids started school.  A month of a lot of change.  I cleaned out the dresser today, after I watched the movie montage and cried.  I went to the cemetery and left some pretty flowers.  Sadly, still no headstone.  But I'm sure it will be soon.  I am going to have a yard sale on Sept 19th. I'm going to make a blanket out of his t-shirts to give to Serenity someday.  Or, maybe I'll just keep it.  Thank you Gina for the awesome idea.  So, I was thinking about Shawn and one of the things he really liked was a good comeback story.  He wanted to be a good comeback story that people would tell to give people hope.  I think, reflecting on my life and my future, I am going to be an awesome comeback story.  Once I'm done with nursing school, I should be able to completely support myself and my kids.  I truly hope that I can do nursing school.  Well, I might post again but probably not until tomorrow.  I'm so glad I made it to today.

Shawn

I had just finished feeding Serenity in her room. I was holding her and playing with her, talking to her and stuff. She was smiling and making cute little sounds. All the sudden, she turned her gaze away from me to a spot in the corner of her room near the ceiling. She wouldn't look at me no matter what I did. She was smiling and her like mouth was working so hard like she wanted to talk to whomever she was seeing. I suddenly got a strong impression that it was Shawn and I needed to allow her to see him and be with him. I immediately stopped trying to get her attention and as I was filled with comfort and peace I started to cry. A soft gentle type cry. Eventually Serenity looked at me and smiled huge. It was a very special experience. I obviously need to be more quiet and in tune in my life so I can have more of these experiences.

A lesson learned

Today was a good day. I had to learn patience because I didn't get my bathroom painted on the time frame is wanted. But wait I did and it's now got the first coat of paint. Then one of Shawn's friends texted me for the address to his grave. I was very impressed to offer him a ride. I didn't have any idea why I was supposed to do that.  On the way back home the friend told me how close he and Shawn were. He told me that whenever he needed a place to stay, food, clothing or someone to talk to Shawn was always there for him. I now know why I was supposed to give this friend a ride. I learned even more how important it is not to judge others. I also got to here from yet another person how big Shawn's heart really was. It was a good experience.

Goals accomplished and skills learned

The kids and I learned how fun it is to blow all the mud dust from the cracks in the bathroom with an air compressior. It was great fun and I even hooked everything up the right way. Now, to paint and get everything done. I had a goal today to get all the stuff to make the bathroom usable and I did, with the help of my brother and sister in law. Next goal is to figure out what I'm doing about nursing school.

This week has been full of blessings

Ok, so it all started Sunday morning. I was getting ready for church and I was contemplating the issue of paying my tithing. As most know, I don't have tons of money. I have sufficient for our needs and that's about it. So, I decided to pay it no matter what. Monday when i checked the mail, there was an ambulance bill for Shawn. I thought it was going to be horrible because of the notice i received. I found out that my insurance covered almost all of the transport, making the remaining balance payable. Monday night I put the trailer and van on ksl. By Tuesday night, I had the trailer sold for almost exactly what I was asking. In cash. Then on Wednesday I went to pay the bill for Serenity's 5 days of oxygen. The customer service guy looked up my account and told me it's been paid and that I don't owe anything as of right now. Also on Wednesday I went to the dentist, Shawn's dentist. They told me how wonderful my husband was. How happy he was the last time they saw him. They also shed some light on some suspicions I have about Shawn possibly having some underlying conditions that may have contributed to his death, such as heart disease. I visited Shawn's grave later on and it was good to leave beautiful flowers on his grave. My testimony has been strengthened.

Happy Night

I was sleeping and woke up to a hungry baby, who is now sleeping in her crib. I fed her and looked at the clock. It was 515 am.  I put her to bed at 1030 last night. She slept through the night. I feel so rested. Yay for Serenity. Of course this was just one night but I feel like I slept for a million years. Now I can conquer the day. I hope over time this continues.

Counseling

My grief counselor gave me permission to cry as much as I want for as long as I wanted  and I don't even have to feel bad about it.  He also said that I need to work on focusing on remembering the good times and good memories instead of focusing my energies on the why questions. He also said that I should keep busy. Mostly, I need to not give up on myself, cuz it's going to be a long road.

Month 1

On June 2, 2015 Serenity Grace Parker decided to join our family. Shawn and I were so excited that she had finally come. It took a little while to get her home but once she got settled in, life seemed perfect. I felt like I had everything I could ever want. Serenity was all Shawn talked about. We got off the oxygen fast and started moving on with life. The first month passed so fast. I was shocked when I realized it was time to go back to work. Shawn's job was going great. Things were really  looking up. Also in June we celebrated my birthday and Shawn's father's day. He got me some really heart felt presents for my birthday and I made him some presents from Serenity for Father's day. Nikki also gave him a present. Shawn said it was the best father's day ever.