How time flies... Even when we don't want it to.

Six months have come and gone just like it was yesterday.  I still remember exactly to the detail the day Shawn died.  Today in Sunday school we talked about having peace through Christ.  I'll tell you what. I remember being driven away from the cemetery by Mom and thinking "Now what?  My peace has been destroyed. God took the only man on this Earth I cared about.  I have this little baby and I don't even know how to raise her by myself."  Well, I am here to say... There IS peace through Jesus Christ.  Me and Serenity are proof of that.  I do have peace in my life.  I find peace through living the gospel.  I am relatively happy.  I miss Shawn every morning when I wake up and he's not there.  And then I get in the shower and start my day.   You better believe that I can't wait to see Shawn.  I can't wait to hug him someday.  I sure wish it was someday soon, but I don't want to leave my kids behind so if God told me it was time, I'd fight tooth and nail to stay.  I have heard it said that the music we listen to tells how we are doing and what we are feeling deep inside.  Clear back when Shawn died, I made two solid unchangeable decisions.  1. I would not change his ring tone on his phone and 2. I would leave all the music he downloaded even if it was stuff I would never listen to in a million years.  ( We had differing views of rap.)  The other day, I had the impression that I needed to listen to some of the songs on Shawn's phone.  I listened to "Just a Dream" and "Over and Over Again," both by an artist named Nelly.  When Shawn was alive he was always telling me that Nelly was so awesome and stuff.  I remember hearing him listen to these songs often.  I actually listened to the words of these songs.  The one talks about him and his significant other not staying together and how she left him and now it felt like a dream that they were even together.  I know for sure that Shawn was always afraid of losing me.  He was afraid that if he wasn't good enough I'd just pack up and leave.  I don't know why he thought that.  I told him over and over that there was not a thing he could do that would make me leave.  I loved him no matter what.  The other song made me cry.  And I don't typically cry over rap songs.  Shawn had a lot softer of a heart than he wanted people to believe.  He wrongly thought that he had to be this tough guy so people would respect him.  The song talked about how he couldn't let his past go and that it haunted him all the time and he couldn't handle it anymore.  There were many times that Shawn let his past haunt him.  He used to tell me that if I really knew who he was, I would leave.  He would wake up in sheer terror from some nightmare about me leaving, or about using, or being high and he would ask me if it was true.  The dreams were so real.  He felt so bad about his past.  He always told me to let the past be in the past, but I think he had a hard time doing that himself.  Tonight, we had this really neat lesson for family night at my sister's house.  We talked about how God loves us no matter what and it's ok, even expected that we'll make mistakes along the way.  All God asks is that we keep on getting up after we fall and we try again.  Shawn tripped on the rocks in the road, fell into some pretty deep places.  He never, ever gave up though.  He kept right on doing (as he would say, since try wasn't in his vocabulary.)  We watched this video where Elder Utchdorf talks about ugly ducklings turning into Swans.  My dear Shawn thought he was the spiritual ugly duckling in his family.  I truly hope that now he can see the Swan that I saw in him when I first met him.  Well, gotta go for the night.  Doing some quick studying before I hit the pillow.

Temple Trip and other misc thoughts

I went to the temple today and had the coolest experience.  I was doing some work for my mother in law's family.  As I was doing the work, I had the feeling that they were literally in the room with me.  This has not happened often for me.  I have to admit, I almost didn't go today because my homework load was so much that I didn't think I'd get done if I went.  On the way home from the temple, I asked God if He'll help me with the homework.  Now I just have to have the faith that He'll do it.  I have been thinking a lot of Shawn lately.  (More than normal) I was thinking how not too much longer and he'll have the opportunity of seeing what temple work is all about.  I imagine that he is happy about that.  I sure hope so at least.  I know that I am starting to get excited as I think about the fact that I can be sealed to Serenity and Shawn.  It's a big deal for me and so I'm going to make sure I prepare in every way possible for the "big day."  I am so glad Heavenly Father had a plan for all the people that died before they could learn the gospel, accept the gospel or were on the road to the temple and didn't quite make it; much like Shawn.
 
One day, we were watching a show about the crucifixion and Shawn looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked if they were really that cruel to Christ, a man who had done nothing wrong.  He couldn't wrap his head around that.  That people actually chose to kill Christ instead of letting him free.  He was so excited to study the life of Christ in Sunday School last year.  Then he had to work many Sundays and sometimes didn't feel very good so he missed church a bit.  But he always wanted to know what the kids and I learned in church.  And he fell asleep many, many nights listening to the New Testament on his phone through his ear buds.  I know he had a strong testimony of the gospel.  He also read the Book of Mormon with me and the kids and did family prayer with us.  His struggles were real, and he fought through them the best he knew how.  

Lately, when I wake up each day I feel like I've spent the night with Shawn.  Like he is with me when I am sleeping.  I have had the experience of going to bed worried that I need to talk to him about stuff that is happening with me or with the baby and when I wake up, I feel like I have worked it all out with Shawn.  I don't know how this is happening. I don't know if I'm just making it up so I can get through each day.  I do know this.  I have had things come to my mind that I'm pretty sure he's telling me.

The other day, I was walking down the hall in my house and I found a receipt from right before Shawn died.  It wasn't there and then suddenly it was.  Right after that I found part of a note I wrote Shawn last year before he died on my bedroom floor that I had just vacuumed.  I know, kinda crazy but it's all good.  I've told Shawn that he is welcome to be here whenever he wants to be and whenever he can squeeze it into his busy schedule.  Serenity is a lot more aware of his "visits." She'll stop what she's doing and look at certain "empty" spaces, smile, and then continue with whatever she's doing.  Sometimes I have that feeling of being watched or that there's someone there when there's not anyone around.  Sometimes it's really strong and sometimes it's really faint.

Through all this, I continue to see God's hand in my life.  I am so grateful He lovingly gave me a wonderful baby, nursing school, a good job which I love, friends and most of all, a supportive loving family.  All of these things help me keep my chin up and keep on going.

Just a thought....

I was thinking yesterday about some things and the following came to my mind just as clear as if someone was talking to me.  It came to me that I chose this life, knowing how it would all turn out.  I got the impression that in Heaven, in our pre earth life, Shawn and I were hanging out talking about this new adventure called Earth life, when we were approached by our loving Father, or one of his angels, and told that we needed to make a choice.  We sat down together with whomever was talking to us.  We were told that we would have to leave Heaven and that we could come back if we chose to by being righteous, good people after our Earth Life was over. We were told we'd either get to choose to meet on Earth and be happy for a time together or we could meet when our Heavenly Father wanted us to meet and only be with each other for a short time before Shawn would be called home.  We would then be able to be together forever in the eternities but I'd have to be alone here on Earth for a time and Shawn would have to return to Heaven before me.  We were told that it would be really hard, there would be times we'd want to give up.  There were lots of challenges for both of us.  But when we proved we had done the best we could and lived up to the promises we made to each other and God, we could be together forever and the time apart on Earth would be a small moment.  But if we chose to be happy together on Earth and went against Heavenly Father's plan, we would not have the gospel in our lives and we would not have happiness forever.  In my mind's eye, I can see Shawn and I thinking about it for a minute or two and then Shawn answering for the both of us, (cuz that's kinda how he is) saying, ok, we'll do it God's way.  No matter how hard, you can depend on us.  We definitely want to be together forever and if this is the only way than ok.  We'll do it. I think that I then agreed with Shawn and the plan for us and our families was set in motion.  The more time passes from Shawn's death, the more I am starting to see that this is the way my life is supposed to be.  Heavenly Father provided this and many more challenges because He knew I could handle it and He knew my stubborn spirit would need them to grow.  As I look forward to the new year starting in a few days, I am filled with happiness and faith.  Faith that the new year will be a good one.  Happiness because I get another year with my kids, family and friends.  May next year be a year of peace for all, even if the peace is only in the heart and the home.

Christmas

This Christmas was a special one for Serenity and I. This was the first of many without Shawn. As I went to family events this weekend, I felt Shawn's presence very strong. There were times of tears but there were many more times of happiness. Watching Serenity explore her new toys. Watching Serenity snuggle up to her aunts and uncles. Watching my kids spend time with cousins that they feel so close to. As I brushed the snow off the headstone at the cemetery today, I was overcome with gratitude for all the people that contribute to my life and make it full and happy. Sometimes I feel so close to Shawn and I wonder if maybe our spirits communicate. There are things that I just know and I don't know how I know. Christmas is Shawn's favorite time of year. I enjoyed the holiday, and I'm glad to say I never have to have the first Christmas without him ever again. I love Shawn with all my heart.

Peace at the temple

I wanted to write about a cool experience I had in the temple yesterday. I went to do some initiatory for some family names. I had trouble with pronouncing some of the names, but I felt strong impressions about the correct pronunciation of those names and I realized that indeed those individuals were there. I started pondering Shawn and I and eternity. Of course I have had many questions about his work getting done and our sealing. I had a feeling to ask who I could talk to about my questions. I got dressed and asked one of the workers who I would talk to about ordinance questions. She directed me to the secretary for the temple president. Before I knew it, the temple president himself was talking to me. I was able to get all my questions answered and it will be a great day. It will be a live sealing and I am so excited. I am so glad we have the gospel. More on this later.

Shawn is still teaching me, even from the other side.

Ok.  This post may seem like I'm reaching for things and maybe I am.  But I get to, even if it's just to survive the loss of a very special man.  I haven't written for a long time.  I will do better.  Ever since Shawn died, I have been telling myself that if I could just go back to that day, I would do things different.  I would have taken him back to the hospital, insisting that he be checked out again.  I would have followed him outside so I could have been there the moment he collapsed.  I would have not gone back inside for the stupid phone and just screamed for help instead.  I would have...(fill in the blank)  Sometimes, these thoughts drive me insane.  They are an unending loop running around in my head.  No amount of talking them out with others, prayer or anything else has helped.  Anyone that knows Shawn knows that he loves his superhero movies and tv shows.  Well, he got me hooked to The Arrow and The Flash before he died.  Well, tonight I watched a Flash episode that Barry Allen, the main character in the show, can go back in time and save his mom from being killed.  By doing this, he gives up the relatively good life he is living, but, in return he gets his mom and dad back and gets to have a totally different life.  So, against all odds, Barry does go back.  As he steps into the room to save his mom, his other self, gestures for him to stop and not save his mom.  He stands at the door and silently watches his mom die.  He does take the chance to let her know that his future self and his father are ok.  Thus, his future doesn't change.  When he goes back to his correct time, he is asked why he didn't save his mom when he had the chance.  He is told that he could have had the perfect life and everything he'd ever wanted.  Barry says something then that really hit home to me and made me cry.  Barry said "I already have all I have ever wanted."  Watching this, I realized that if I was given the chance to go back and do something different to save Shawn and thus alter my future and that of my baby, knowing exactly what I would be giving up and not knowing what my new future would hold, I don't think I would change a thing.  As I sit here and write this, tears rolling down my face, as much as I miss Shawn, I wouldn't want to give up what my future holds.  I hope no one reading this is offended.  I need people to know that I am so grateful for every little thing in my life.  During this experience I got the distinct impression that as hard as things get sometimes, this is how it's supposed to be.  I feel like Shawn wanted me to understand that I need to look forward and let the past be the past and stop saying if I could only have....  Sometimes I feel him right next to me cheering me on.  Sometimes I don't and I know he's off doing something in heaven.  Learning, growing, loving, serving.  May all who read this be blessed especially at this magical time of year that for some reason Shawn loved with all his heart.  Merry Christmas and may God grant you all the Serenity he so lovingly grants me.

Some things I realized yesterday at the temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple with some of my family today.  I realized a few things while I was there.  The first came as quite a shock to me.  I felt the Spirit very strong from the very beginning, walking in the doors.  I knew I was were I was supposed to be.  As I sat listening to sealings being performed I started thinking about me and Shawn.  Ok, let's be real for a moment.  When is there a time I don't find an excuse to think of my husband?  But that is as it is supposed to be.  So here I am thinking about Shawn and wondering why, with the Spirit being so strong, I couldn't feel the presence of my husband in the room with me.  I have felt him around me quite a lot since his passing to the other side.  I began really thinking and pondering and praying about this.  I had a strong feeling that he wanted to be there but can't yet because his spirit isn't ready for that quite yet.  I have since started praying daily that Shawn will have the fortitude to "just keep swimming," as Dory from Finding Nemo would say.  The second was that I really can be sealed to Shawn forever.  I have always had a testimony of temple work but it never really occurred to me the depth of forever, and that my relationship with Shawn and the rest of my family will go on forever.  Once I get to the other side, all this will seem so short that it won't even matter.  What's crazy is that life here on earth is so finite and time means so much.  I pray every day that I will be worthy to be sealed to Shawn and Serenity.  That is what I am working toward.  I have a strong feeling that Shawn is working really hard towards this too.  I hope we can both be ready when the time comes to go through the temple.  Along with this realization, I had a hard thing witnessed to me.  A few days ago I read a talk from General Conference about receiving a revelation for yourself.  I don't remember the name of the talk even but I do remember that the speaker challenged us all to pray about changing just one weakness.  Then we are supposed to really ponder and listen for an answer.  I prayed for that revelation and have been really thinking about stuff in my life that needs to change.  I was told by the Holy Ghost that I need to have a cleaner, more organized house so that me and the kids can feel the Spirit more and so that Shawn will want to come visit more often.  Side note: I had been praying for Shawn's presence to be felt more and couldn't understand why my prayer wasn't being answered.  I think that this was the answer.  I know it sounds so simple to keep a house clean.  With school, full time work and having a baby, I am struggling.  Add to that I had my first really bad day with Fibromyalgia yesterday and barely had the energy to do the things that had to be done, much less any house work.  I ended up so weak that I couldn't even lift the carseat or hold Serenity for a very long at a time.  I really need to learn that I need to make sure I am sleeping enough.  Friday night, I didn't sleep good because Serenity was up most of the night.  This made the Fibro so much worse than normal.  However, we got good sleep Sat night so today was better.  I even got some homework and cleaning done.  Well, I will sign off for now.  I can't wait to see what great things happen over the next week.