Soul mates or at least what I think about them

A soul mate is someone that you can stay up all night talking to and not get bored. A soul mate is someone that you are drawn to because you feel you knew them in some other life or time. A soul mate is someone that loves you in spite of all the crap you bring into the relationship. A soul mate sits through chick flicks with you, just to spend time with you. A soul mate cares for you throughout all time and eternity even when the going gets tough. A soul mate is a best friend. A soul mate is someone that, when they die, they can never be replaced because you will never love someone that deeply.

Kinda sappy but Shawn is my soul mate. He completes me. We are a good team. Maybe not always perfect, but we were on the right path. I miss him.

Still experiencing deja vu, which used to be our way of knowing we were on the path that God wants us to be on. When Shawn died, I asked God to continue to let me have those tiny deja vu experiences so I'd know if I was still on the right road for me and the kids. I'll write another post about deja vu at another time.

2 months gone

Ok. So first of all, I made it to the two month anniversary of Shawn's death. I cried, went to orientation at Fortis, visited the grave and talked to the love of my life about our future, went to a grief support group, and spent time with Serenity; who decided to roll over for the first time on a very special day. As I watched her roll over today, I felt that it wasn't just me cheering her on, but her Dad too. I look at all that has been accomplished in the last month and frankly I'm amazed. Thank you to all of the supporters, all the people praying for us and all the miscellaneous help rendered. I am so grateful. I'm excited about the prospect of a stable future and a reasonably happy life. I feel I'll never be totally happy until I join my husband in the next life, but I am definitely going to make the best of it. Life is good today.

To be a Parker

Through the different interactions with family and people who knew Shawn and by observing how he was sober showed me what it means to him to be a Parker. It means to love all and judge none. It means to be generous without expectation of getting anything back. It means to believe in stuff you can't see. It means to work hard so you can play hard. It means to be a forever family and fought for the right. It means to do, not try. It means to be successful and live well. Above all, Parkers don't give up. Ever!

Life

I think that it's called disjointed thinking when you have a whole lot to say that doesn't all fit in one nice neat conversation.  Here's some of my mental crap.  So first of all, meaning at the top of the surface not necessarily most important, my Grandpa Paul passed away on Friday.  Grandpa Paul was my hero.  He was silent but I knew he loved me.  He wasn't a big fan of hugs and wasn't a huge fan of the words "I love you."  I think he just got used to the fact that when I came to visit, I wasn't leaving until I hugged him and said I love you about 5 times.  Grandpa teased me a lot and he'd make this funny face with his lips all sideways.  I spent a whole summer trying to learn how to do that with my lips and never succeeded.  Grandpa bought me Twix candy bars at the little mechanic shop in Randolph when I went and visited in the summer time.  Grandpa and Grandma took me arrow head hunting one summer.  It was a lot of fun.  Grandpa loved Whoppers candy and watched the Star Wars trilogy with my cousins and I about a million times, and I think he liked it just as much as the first time.  He loved shows like The Thing, The day the earth stood still (the really old black and white version), Perry Mason and the Fox News ( later on when I was all grown up).  In my journal over the years, I have kept track of almost all the movies Grandpa and I watched together.  Explorers and Flight of the Navigator for some reason come to mind as well as Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too.  One year, I drove up to see my Grandparents and Grandpa had to weld my muffler back onto my car because I went four wheeling in a 1978 Ford Fairmont station wagon.  Anyways, my point to all this is that for the last 15 or so years, his health hasn't been the best.  The last 5 or so years we grandkids have been concerned that each time we saw him would be our last because of how sick he was.  This last time I visited, he got to me Serenity and hear about Shawn.  I hope Shawn likes Grandpa and Grandpa likes Shawn.  They are both kinda stubborn.  Finally, witnessing him die the other day, I realized that no matter what, I have to be at the funeral.  My life won't be complete if I don't go.  However, I can start nursing school in January if I have to so I can be at the funeral.  That brings up the second thing.  I have an orientation that I was told will be the end of the world if I miss on Wednesday, the same day as the funeral.  So, I'm calling Fortis tomorrow and we'll see what they tell me.  The worst they can say is that I'll have to start in January.  Maybe that is what God wants anyway.  It seems that my plans for me aren't His plan.  So, I'm leaving it in God's hands.  The last thing on my mind right now is an experience I had this weekend.  Out of the clear blue the other day, Shawn's ex sister in law contacted me concerning their divorce decree (which I can't seem to find anywhere) and their wedding photos, video etc.  Fortunately, I have some of the stuff she was looking for, although I don't understand why she never got it from Shawn before now.  Anyway, the meeting went good.  She told me how good Shawn was to Madison and how good his parents where to them.  She also told me that she was sorry for judging Shawn the way she did.  After her sister moved in with her, she started understanding why Shawn did what he did and said the things he did when they were married.  Just another testament to me that under it all, Shawn is a kind hearted loving man.  He struggled through a lot of crap.  He may have lost his battle on this earth, but in my opinion, he sure fought hard.  He isn't done fighting for the right.  He will eventually win the War.

Wow

Today didn't start great but over all it ended up great. I got some important things done today. All my appointments went good. The grief support group tonight was really strange but good. I'll go next week, and I'll even do the homework assigned. I don't have a lot of the marriage experience most of the others have but they made me feel ok to share. It's also hard for me to see my ex going through some not good times. I may not like him much but I don't necessarily want him to be sad.

A Rant

Spoiler Alert: The following entry is a rant.  It is not a very loving rant.  However, in my eyes it is a true rant. It is not Christlike, but sometimes I feel unChristlike, sad to say.  I won't be offended if this post isn't read by many.  I promise no cuss words were used.  OK, here goes.  The other day, during the middle of my day I get a text from my ex husband that basically says he overpaid me on child support and he can either not pay anything to me on his next payday or I can return the money he overpaid me.  First of all, he is suddenly paying a significant amount (hundreds of dollars) less than he paid me ever in all of our divorce.  My income did not increase and the state of Utah did not approve of the decrease.  So to me, I see it as not necessarily being overpaid.  Second, he who came to me a couple weeks ago with a sob story about his financial woes (although he has a spouse quite capable of work) so I would go along with a ridiculously low amount of child support is asking his recently widowed ex wife to refund him money when I myself am raising 3 kids all by myself on my income alone?? Really?? I will be so glad when I get the notice from ORS that they have taken over the case.  Then someone else can deal with all this crap.  So yes, I rolled over and gave him his stupid money back.  Why??  Because it's just money.  Yeah it makes life easier to have some but when I finish nursing school and can provide happily for all of my kids I will feel great about myself.  It infuriates me because by being the way he's being, he's hurting my children.  I couldn't care less about being hurt but when it's my kids, I am like the Mommy Bear and I get mad. 

Ok, second thing.  I got a phone call from an attorney that wants me to represent Shawn in a law suit for a car accident that happened last fall.  Really?? My dead husband??  I nicely explained that Shawn has passed away and she said she was sorry for my loss and they would send all the paper work that needs to be signed to me as soon as possible.  I also told her about my financial situation and she said she was sorry, but they needed to figure out how they were going to handle the law suit against Shawn.  I was kinda frustrated and after I hung up, I said to myself, "What are they going to do, dig up my husband and sue him for all he's worth?"

Some things like having to pay hospital bills when the patient didn't survive and ambulance rides when it was a pointless attempt because the patient was pretty much already dead are an inconvenience.  Happily enough, all of the places that I owe money to are willing to work out payment plans at least until I find out how much money I might get and can pay them all off in full.  So, for today, that is my silver lining and I thank my Heavenly Father for the learning opportunity He has provided.  As grateful as I am, I do wonder when I get a little "fall break," "Christmas break," or "Spring break."  Sorry so long, I just had a lot to say tonight and now I feel more Christlike and loving, now that all the bad is regurgitated onto the paper.

Much accomplished today

Thanks to my brother and sister in law and their adorable kids we got the bathroom finished today, moved the washers and dryers around, and rotated my mattress. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I also went on the NAMI walk with friends from work this morning and visited Shawn's grave over lunch. Then I saw Arthur, one of Shawn's close friends. After my brother left I went to the ward party and had fun with more of my friends. I loved watching the impromptu baseball game. Can't wait till Serenity is old enough that she can play and I can play with her. Then David and Mary Ann stopped by. I am so grateful for the car seat for when she grows out of her current one that they left and the clothes and shoes. All in all, a great day.

The temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple today. Thanks to a prompt from Aaron and an offer to babysit from Beckie. I was doing some initiatory work which I really like cuz I get a good chance to be still enough to receive promptings. I realized that I need to be still more in my life so I can hear Heavenly Father and Shawn if and when he is trying to relay messages to me. I also lost my beautiful necklace at the temple. I prayed and hoped it would be found and it was. So now, I have it back. I am grateful today for everything in my life. I am learning so much. I also realized that I don't have to ever stop loving Shawn. I can continue to let my love for him grow. Each day I learn more about what marriage actually means.

Serenity

Today Serenity discovered her voice. She now "talks" to me along with smiling. We had a good day today. We took some pretty flowers to Shawn's grave, still no headstone. I'm sad about that but I wonder how I will feel seeing my name on the headstone. I suspect I will feel honored, along with the initial heart stopping moment when I first see it. The picture is me and serenity just hanging out on the couch before bed.

Labor Day

Today was interesting.  I think it was the first Labor Day in my work life that I actually worked.  It wasn't that bad though because all the kids were places I didn't have to worry about.  The kids were at Scott's and Serenity was with her baby sitter.  For some reason, maybe just because I wish there was someone to come home to, I was so sad I couldn't for the life of me stop crying.  What's up with that anyway?  Shouldn't I be getting better at knowing that Shawn's not here no matter how much I want him to be?  Everyone I know keeps telling me how awesome I am doing.  If they could just see the insanity in my own mind and heart right now, they would be seriously concerned.  It does help to write these little blogs.  And it does help a lot when people text me to see how I am doing.  Phone calls help.  Loving people just stopping by make me realize that I will someday be ok.  I got the news about being a CNA yesterday.  Technically, the letter came in the mail on Friday but I didn't get to open it until yesterday night when I got home from Midway.  Now that I have that, I feel a little more ready to start nursing school.  And, while I am thinking about it, I wrote my "homework" down that my counselor assigned me.  My assignment was to write down all my current stresses and then prioritize them.  Writing them down was easy.  Prioritizing?? Not so much.  Anyway, here's the list in case you were wondering.  In order, most important first.  Work; Children; Pay for Kate's school pictures; WIC appointment to get checks for Serenity; Get lab work done for Fortis; other appointments for the week; find money for school; find a babysitter for Serenity while I'm at school; Up coming school; Church calling; bills; papers turned into ORS; Social Security appointment; life insurance; death certificates; all the court stuff from Shawn; clean garage and basement; finish painting; Sell van; headstone.  As you can see, some of the stuff is time sensitive and some is just a matter of waiting.  I'll have to check back and see what I can accomplish this week.  Better be going.

Heber Valley

My family went the Heber Valley girls camp this weekend. We stayed in the cabins overnight and we went to the lake Saturday morning. On my way up in just about changed my mind and went home. It's hard to do the things that Shawn and I did together. He really wanted to experience things sober. Like going to the family stuff together. Making new memories together with Serenity. I cried a bit but once I got there I was so glad I went. Then Saturday I joined some of Shawn's family in midway at the Manor. I'm so glad i did that. I stayed in the room we spent our anniversary in. It was good to do that. I felt really close to Shawn. I'm so happy to be surrounded by loving family all the time. It has been a great weekend. I look forward to more of them.

Bittersweet Day

Today was a day of great news.  First, I went to the WIC appointment and found that me and Serenity do indeed qualify for WIC assistance.  Then I took the HESI test and passed with flying colors and I got accepted into Fortis College, pending my background check (no problems there) and my drug test ( again, no problems with that.) Then I found out that what I thought was a horrible transmission problem with the Tahoe turned out being something silly.  Then Scott gave permission for the older kids to go to GOP with their grandparents and cousins.  I am so glad they get to go this year.  Serenity is still growing like a weed, I'm starting to lose weight finally! Things are looking good.  The bittersweet part is that Shawn isn't here in his mortal body to hug me and tell me how proud he is of me.  I sense that he's there and that he is cheering me on.  I can just hear his voice saying, "You don't need validation from me.  That's something I learned in rehab.  You validate yourself."  And he's right.  But still, a hug and a high five would be awesome.  Man, I miss Shawn.  Funny since yesterday I was boiling mad at him.  Ah well, each day is an interesting door to be opened into the future.  It will be interesting to see what tomorrow holds.

Today just sucked

Well, I try to be upbeat but today upbeat can bite me.  I was ok at work even though I did some difficult work on myself during one of the therapy groups today at work.  Right up until I had this one client tell me that I wasn't doing my job and she got mad at me.  The thing is, I went above the call of duty for this client, locating phone numbers that I didn't need to find for her.  I pretty much did my very best today and instead of a little thank you I got a big fat (insert bad word here) you" from her.  Then as I was sitting in the cafeteria waiting for the clients to finish dinner, it hit me that I am mad at Shawn for being an addict, something that I believe was not in his control.  I think he had the choice to use or not, but I think that addiction is a disease and one who has addiction in their life can't just choose to make it be gone.  They can choose to feed it or not but not to erase it.  But still I have anger about the fact that my sweet husband that I love with all my heart had to have this horrible disease that was so difficult for him to fight.  I can't hope to understand what he went through and what he is now working through so we can be the forever family we both want.  The really mean side of me hopes that he understands what I am going through not having him here with me.  But then, wouldn't it be fair for me to have to understand his side too??  Anyways, Serenity and the girls made my night better by cooking dinner while I was gone at work and having it all ready to eat when I got home.  Serenity is just so darn cute that she just makes me happy by smiling at me.  Well, I feel better.  I guess that's what this blog is meant to do.  Help me process my stuff so I can grieve Shawn and then kick butt at nursing school and in life.