Just a thought....

I was thinking yesterday about some things and the following came to my mind just as clear as if someone was talking to me.  It came to me that I chose this life, knowing how it would all turn out.  I got the impression that in Heaven, in our pre earth life, Shawn and I were hanging out talking about this new adventure called Earth life, when we were approached by our loving Father, or one of his angels, and told that we needed to make a choice.  We sat down together with whomever was talking to us.  We were told that we would have to leave Heaven and that we could come back if we chose to by being righteous, good people after our Earth Life was over. We were told we'd either get to choose to meet on Earth and be happy for a time together or we could meet when our Heavenly Father wanted us to meet and only be with each other for a short time before Shawn would be called home.  We would then be able to be together forever in the eternities but I'd have to be alone here on Earth for a time and Shawn would have to return to Heaven before me.  We were told that it would be really hard, there would be times we'd want to give up.  There were lots of challenges for both of us.  But when we proved we had done the best we could and lived up to the promises we made to each other and God, we could be together forever and the time apart on Earth would be a small moment.  But if we chose to be happy together on Earth and went against Heavenly Father's plan, we would not have the gospel in our lives and we would not have happiness forever.  In my mind's eye, I can see Shawn and I thinking about it for a minute or two and then Shawn answering for the both of us, (cuz that's kinda how he is) saying, ok, we'll do it God's way.  No matter how hard, you can depend on us.  We definitely want to be together forever and if this is the only way than ok.  We'll do it. I think that I then agreed with Shawn and the plan for us and our families was set in motion.  The more time passes from Shawn's death, the more I am starting to see that this is the way my life is supposed to be.  Heavenly Father provided this and many more challenges because He knew I could handle it and He knew my stubborn spirit would need them to grow.  As I look forward to the new year starting in a few days, I am filled with happiness and faith.  Faith that the new year will be a good one.  Happiness because I get another year with my kids, family and friends.  May next year be a year of peace for all, even if the peace is only in the heart and the home.

Christmas

This Christmas was a special one for Serenity and I. This was the first of many without Shawn. As I went to family events this weekend, I felt Shawn's presence very strong. There were times of tears but there were many more times of happiness. Watching Serenity explore her new toys. Watching Serenity snuggle up to her aunts and uncles. Watching my kids spend time with cousins that they feel so close to. As I brushed the snow off the headstone at the cemetery today, I was overcome with gratitude for all the people that contribute to my life and make it full and happy. Sometimes I feel so close to Shawn and I wonder if maybe our spirits communicate. There are things that I just know and I don't know how I know. Christmas is Shawn's favorite time of year. I enjoyed the holiday, and I'm glad to say I never have to have the first Christmas without him ever again. I love Shawn with all my heart.

Peace at the temple

I wanted to write about a cool experience I had in the temple yesterday. I went to do some initiatory for some family names. I had trouble with pronouncing some of the names, but I felt strong impressions about the correct pronunciation of those names and I realized that indeed those individuals were there. I started pondering Shawn and I and eternity. Of course I have had many questions about his work getting done and our sealing. I had a feeling to ask who I could talk to about my questions. I got dressed and asked one of the workers who I would talk to about ordinance questions. She directed me to the secretary for the temple president. Before I knew it, the temple president himself was talking to me. I was able to get all my questions answered and it will be a great day. It will be a live sealing and I am so excited. I am so glad we have the gospel. More on this later.

Shawn is still teaching me, even from the other side.

Ok.  This post may seem like I'm reaching for things and maybe I am.  But I get to, even if it's just to survive the loss of a very special man.  I haven't written for a long time.  I will do better.  Ever since Shawn died, I have been telling myself that if I could just go back to that day, I would do things different.  I would have taken him back to the hospital, insisting that he be checked out again.  I would have followed him outside so I could have been there the moment he collapsed.  I would have not gone back inside for the stupid phone and just screamed for help instead.  I would have...(fill in the blank)  Sometimes, these thoughts drive me insane.  They are an unending loop running around in my head.  No amount of talking them out with others, prayer or anything else has helped.  Anyone that knows Shawn knows that he loves his superhero movies and tv shows.  Well, he got me hooked to The Arrow and The Flash before he died.  Well, tonight I watched a Flash episode that Barry Allen, the main character in the show, can go back in time and save his mom from being killed.  By doing this, he gives up the relatively good life he is living, but, in return he gets his mom and dad back and gets to have a totally different life.  So, against all odds, Barry does go back.  As he steps into the room to save his mom, his other self, gestures for him to stop and not save his mom.  He stands at the door and silently watches his mom die.  He does take the chance to let her know that his future self and his father are ok.  Thus, his future doesn't change.  When he goes back to his correct time, he is asked why he didn't save his mom when he had the chance.  He is told that he could have had the perfect life and everything he'd ever wanted.  Barry says something then that really hit home to me and made me cry.  Barry said "I already have all I have ever wanted."  Watching this, I realized that if I was given the chance to go back and do something different to save Shawn and thus alter my future and that of my baby, knowing exactly what I would be giving up and not knowing what my new future would hold, I don't think I would change a thing.  As I sit here and write this, tears rolling down my face, as much as I miss Shawn, I wouldn't want to give up what my future holds.  I hope no one reading this is offended.  I need people to know that I am so grateful for every little thing in my life.  During this experience I got the distinct impression that as hard as things get sometimes, this is how it's supposed to be.  I feel like Shawn wanted me to understand that I need to look forward and let the past be the past and stop saying if I could only have....  Sometimes I feel him right next to me cheering me on.  Sometimes I don't and I know he's off doing something in heaven.  Learning, growing, loving, serving.  May all who read this be blessed especially at this magical time of year that for some reason Shawn loved with all his heart.  Merry Christmas and may God grant you all the Serenity he so lovingly grants me.

Some things I realized yesterday at the temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple with some of my family today.  I realized a few things while I was there.  The first came as quite a shock to me.  I felt the Spirit very strong from the very beginning, walking in the doors.  I knew I was were I was supposed to be.  As I sat listening to sealings being performed I started thinking about me and Shawn.  Ok, let's be real for a moment.  When is there a time I don't find an excuse to think of my husband?  But that is as it is supposed to be.  So here I am thinking about Shawn and wondering why, with the Spirit being so strong, I couldn't feel the presence of my husband in the room with me.  I have felt him around me quite a lot since his passing to the other side.  I began really thinking and pondering and praying about this.  I had a strong feeling that he wanted to be there but can't yet because his spirit isn't ready for that quite yet.  I have since started praying daily that Shawn will have the fortitude to "just keep swimming," as Dory from Finding Nemo would say.  The second was that I really can be sealed to Shawn forever.  I have always had a testimony of temple work but it never really occurred to me the depth of forever, and that my relationship with Shawn and the rest of my family will go on forever.  Once I get to the other side, all this will seem so short that it won't even matter.  What's crazy is that life here on earth is so finite and time means so much.  I pray every day that I will be worthy to be sealed to Shawn and Serenity.  That is what I am working toward.  I have a strong feeling that Shawn is working really hard towards this too.  I hope we can both be ready when the time comes to go through the temple.  Along with this realization, I had a hard thing witnessed to me.  A few days ago I read a talk from General Conference about receiving a revelation for yourself.  I don't remember the name of the talk even but I do remember that the speaker challenged us all to pray about changing just one weakness.  Then we are supposed to really ponder and listen for an answer.  I prayed for that revelation and have been really thinking about stuff in my life that needs to change.  I was told by the Holy Ghost that I need to have a cleaner, more organized house so that me and the kids can feel the Spirit more and so that Shawn will want to come visit more often.  Side note: I had been praying for Shawn's presence to be felt more and couldn't understand why my prayer wasn't being answered.  I think that this was the answer.  I know it sounds so simple to keep a house clean.  With school, full time work and having a baby, I am struggling.  Add to that I had my first really bad day with Fibromyalgia yesterday and barely had the energy to do the things that had to be done, much less any house work.  I ended up so weak that I couldn't even lift the carseat or hold Serenity for a very long at a time.  I really need to learn that I need to make sure I am sleeping enough.  Friday night, I didn't sleep good because Serenity was up most of the night.  This made the Fibro so much worse than normal.  However, we got good sleep Sat night so today was better.  I even got some homework and cleaning done.  Well, I will sign off for now.  I can't wait to see what great things happen over the next week.

Peace at the cemetery

Today I posted something about wanting information about life after death. The thing is, I was struggling so much about what's in store for my husband. I wanted a for sure "He's definitively in heaven" answer. Well, what I got was pretty cool. One of my friends posted a link to an article that highlighted some of the lds beliefs about the spirit world and repentance and different insights. After reading the article I took some flowers and a penny to Shawn's grave. The flowers were red carnations. Red for love of course, because I'm very much in love with Shawn. A penny for luck. There's actually a story behind the penny. (A future blog) As I was standing there looking at the headstone, which is beautiful by the way, it hit me that of course Shawn is in heaven. He's learning and loving and living. A loving God would want his children to have every chance they can to learn the gospel and progress through the eternities. It also hit me that when I cry or feel sad, he knows and wants to comfort me. I felt his presence for a moment as I cried. It seemed like in my heart I felt him. The holy ghost helped me feel peace as I ran back to the car to go about the rest of my day. Satan thought he could win. Nope, not today!

Catching up

An update on our lives. Serenity is now rolling over, making raspberries, smiles really big especially when I come in the room, and recognizes Braden enough to cry when he picks her up. Not sure why she does that except she doesn't see him as much anymore. Me, I'm still working full time and going to school. My first quarter is about half over. Crazy to think that. I just started. Math remains a tough subject for me and the amount of Biology homework is a bit much. At least I think so. But I'm doing ok. I'm almost done with the grief support group I was attending and it went good. I feel a little better. Shawn's head stone is finally there and it looks so nice. It feels so good to have it there. Life had found a way to continue even without Shawn. I didn't want it to, there for a while. But daily I am glad of the small things in life. Well I better get going. Just wanted to post a little something.

A day in the life

Today's lesson in relief society was about being humble. I have issues with pride but they aren't what people think. I'm too proud to ask for help. I'm slowly getting better at this. It looks as though I'll continue to be compelled to be humble due to a recent doctor's visit. I went in for a check up and some immunizations for nursing school. The doc felt that a second titer test should be done. She didn't believe that I'm not immune to chickenpox and mmr. I also mentioned some issues with constant pain I've been struggling with. She did a pressure point test and she diagnosed me with fibro myalgia. I'm learning as much as possible about the disease. There may be times I need to let go of even more pride and accept help because of that. We'll see. For now, sleep and exercise, eating better and staying positive is how I'm choosing to move forward. I'm learning more and more that I am not in charge of me life, God is. For that I am grateful. I had a really cool experience happen in church today. I'm the relief society chorister in my ward and I had a really strong feeling that we needed to sing I need the every hour today. I think it touched everyone in the room as we sang about needing our Saviour. I know I cried a little. Later on Shawn's friend Nate came to visit and brought his daughter. It was so neat to see how he is with Serenity. He's a very kind person to care about Shawn's family. All in all, a good day!

Great days ahead

Great news for the Shawn Parker family. A lot of things I had up in the air are settling the way I needed them to. I won't go into great details but a lot of worry has been elevated. The first week of school did not kill me. In fact, I rather like being in school.  Serenity did just fine in day care while I was in school. I even got my homework done. Shawn's head stone is supposed to come in within the next week. Along with all the good news I went to the temple today. It was a good experience. As I was running errands I started thinking about the future, about Shawn's and my future. I know without a doubt that he wants me and Serenity to be with him for eternity. It will be such a special day. As time passes I find myself thinking about what temple Shawn would want to go through. Please, if Shawn ever said anything about what temple he wanted to go through, let me know.

Soul mates or at least what I think about them

A soul mate is someone that you can stay up all night talking to and not get bored. A soul mate is someone that you are drawn to because you feel you knew them in some other life or time. A soul mate is someone that loves you in spite of all the crap you bring into the relationship. A soul mate sits through chick flicks with you, just to spend time with you. A soul mate cares for you throughout all time and eternity even when the going gets tough. A soul mate is a best friend. A soul mate is someone that, when they die, they can never be replaced because you will never love someone that deeply.

Kinda sappy but Shawn is my soul mate. He completes me. We are a good team. Maybe not always perfect, but we were on the right path. I miss him.

Still experiencing deja vu, which used to be our way of knowing we were on the path that God wants us to be on. When Shawn died, I asked God to continue to let me have those tiny deja vu experiences so I'd know if I was still on the right road for me and the kids. I'll write another post about deja vu at another time.

2 months gone

Ok. So first of all, I made it to the two month anniversary of Shawn's death. I cried, went to orientation at Fortis, visited the grave and talked to the love of my life about our future, went to a grief support group, and spent time with Serenity; who decided to roll over for the first time on a very special day. As I watched her roll over today, I felt that it wasn't just me cheering her on, but her Dad too. I look at all that has been accomplished in the last month and frankly I'm amazed. Thank you to all of the supporters, all the people praying for us and all the miscellaneous help rendered. I am so grateful. I'm excited about the prospect of a stable future and a reasonably happy life. I feel I'll never be totally happy until I join my husband in the next life, but I am definitely going to make the best of it. Life is good today.

To be a Parker

Through the different interactions with family and people who knew Shawn and by observing how he was sober showed me what it means to him to be a Parker. It means to love all and judge none. It means to be generous without expectation of getting anything back. It means to believe in stuff you can't see. It means to work hard so you can play hard. It means to be a forever family and fought for the right. It means to do, not try. It means to be successful and live well. Above all, Parkers don't give up. Ever!

Life

I think that it's called disjointed thinking when you have a whole lot to say that doesn't all fit in one nice neat conversation.  Here's some of my mental crap.  So first of all, meaning at the top of the surface not necessarily most important, my Grandpa Paul passed away on Friday.  Grandpa Paul was my hero.  He was silent but I knew he loved me.  He wasn't a big fan of hugs and wasn't a huge fan of the words "I love you."  I think he just got used to the fact that when I came to visit, I wasn't leaving until I hugged him and said I love you about 5 times.  Grandpa teased me a lot and he'd make this funny face with his lips all sideways.  I spent a whole summer trying to learn how to do that with my lips and never succeeded.  Grandpa bought me Twix candy bars at the little mechanic shop in Randolph when I went and visited in the summer time.  Grandpa and Grandma took me arrow head hunting one summer.  It was a lot of fun.  Grandpa loved Whoppers candy and watched the Star Wars trilogy with my cousins and I about a million times, and I think he liked it just as much as the first time.  He loved shows like The Thing, The day the earth stood still (the really old black and white version), Perry Mason and the Fox News ( later on when I was all grown up).  In my journal over the years, I have kept track of almost all the movies Grandpa and I watched together.  Explorers and Flight of the Navigator for some reason come to mind as well as Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too.  One year, I drove up to see my Grandparents and Grandpa had to weld my muffler back onto my car because I went four wheeling in a 1978 Ford Fairmont station wagon.  Anyways, my point to all this is that for the last 15 or so years, his health hasn't been the best.  The last 5 or so years we grandkids have been concerned that each time we saw him would be our last because of how sick he was.  This last time I visited, he got to me Serenity and hear about Shawn.  I hope Shawn likes Grandpa and Grandpa likes Shawn.  They are both kinda stubborn.  Finally, witnessing him die the other day, I realized that no matter what, I have to be at the funeral.  My life won't be complete if I don't go.  However, I can start nursing school in January if I have to so I can be at the funeral.  That brings up the second thing.  I have an orientation that I was told will be the end of the world if I miss on Wednesday, the same day as the funeral.  So, I'm calling Fortis tomorrow and we'll see what they tell me.  The worst they can say is that I'll have to start in January.  Maybe that is what God wants anyway.  It seems that my plans for me aren't His plan.  So, I'm leaving it in God's hands.  The last thing on my mind right now is an experience I had this weekend.  Out of the clear blue the other day, Shawn's ex sister in law contacted me concerning their divorce decree (which I can't seem to find anywhere) and their wedding photos, video etc.  Fortunately, I have some of the stuff she was looking for, although I don't understand why she never got it from Shawn before now.  Anyway, the meeting went good.  She told me how good Shawn was to Madison and how good his parents where to them.  She also told me that she was sorry for judging Shawn the way she did.  After her sister moved in with her, she started understanding why Shawn did what he did and said the things he did when they were married.  Just another testament to me that under it all, Shawn is a kind hearted loving man.  He struggled through a lot of crap.  He may have lost his battle on this earth, but in my opinion, he sure fought hard.  He isn't done fighting for the right.  He will eventually win the War.

Wow

Today didn't start great but over all it ended up great. I got some important things done today. All my appointments went good. The grief support group tonight was really strange but good. I'll go next week, and I'll even do the homework assigned. I don't have a lot of the marriage experience most of the others have but they made me feel ok to share. It's also hard for me to see my ex going through some not good times. I may not like him much but I don't necessarily want him to be sad.

A Rant

Spoiler Alert: The following entry is a rant.  It is not a very loving rant.  However, in my eyes it is a true rant. It is not Christlike, but sometimes I feel unChristlike, sad to say.  I won't be offended if this post isn't read by many.  I promise no cuss words were used.  OK, here goes.  The other day, during the middle of my day I get a text from my ex husband that basically says he overpaid me on child support and he can either not pay anything to me on his next payday or I can return the money he overpaid me.  First of all, he is suddenly paying a significant amount (hundreds of dollars) less than he paid me ever in all of our divorce.  My income did not increase and the state of Utah did not approve of the decrease.  So to me, I see it as not necessarily being overpaid.  Second, he who came to me a couple weeks ago with a sob story about his financial woes (although he has a spouse quite capable of work) so I would go along with a ridiculously low amount of child support is asking his recently widowed ex wife to refund him money when I myself am raising 3 kids all by myself on my income alone?? Really?? I will be so glad when I get the notice from ORS that they have taken over the case.  Then someone else can deal with all this crap.  So yes, I rolled over and gave him his stupid money back.  Why??  Because it's just money.  Yeah it makes life easier to have some but when I finish nursing school and can provide happily for all of my kids I will feel great about myself.  It infuriates me because by being the way he's being, he's hurting my children.  I couldn't care less about being hurt but when it's my kids, I am like the Mommy Bear and I get mad. 

Ok, second thing.  I got a phone call from an attorney that wants me to represent Shawn in a law suit for a car accident that happened last fall.  Really?? My dead husband??  I nicely explained that Shawn has passed away and she said she was sorry for my loss and they would send all the paper work that needs to be signed to me as soon as possible.  I also told her about my financial situation and she said she was sorry, but they needed to figure out how they were going to handle the law suit against Shawn.  I was kinda frustrated and after I hung up, I said to myself, "What are they going to do, dig up my husband and sue him for all he's worth?"

Some things like having to pay hospital bills when the patient didn't survive and ambulance rides when it was a pointless attempt because the patient was pretty much already dead are an inconvenience.  Happily enough, all of the places that I owe money to are willing to work out payment plans at least until I find out how much money I might get and can pay them all off in full.  So, for today, that is my silver lining and I thank my Heavenly Father for the learning opportunity He has provided.  As grateful as I am, I do wonder when I get a little "fall break," "Christmas break," or "Spring break."  Sorry so long, I just had a lot to say tonight and now I feel more Christlike and loving, now that all the bad is regurgitated onto the paper.

Much accomplished today

Thanks to my brother and sister in law and their adorable kids we got the bathroom finished today, moved the washers and dryers around, and rotated my mattress. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I also went on the NAMI walk with friends from work this morning and visited Shawn's grave over lunch. Then I saw Arthur, one of Shawn's close friends. After my brother left I went to the ward party and had fun with more of my friends. I loved watching the impromptu baseball game. Can't wait till Serenity is old enough that she can play and I can play with her. Then David and Mary Ann stopped by. I am so grateful for the car seat for when she grows out of her current one that they left and the clothes and shoes. All in all, a great day.

The temple

I had the opportunity to go to the temple today. Thanks to a prompt from Aaron and an offer to babysit from Beckie. I was doing some initiatory work which I really like cuz I get a good chance to be still enough to receive promptings. I realized that I need to be still more in my life so I can hear Heavenly Father and Shawn if and when he is trying to relay messages to me. I also lost my beautiful necklace at the temple. I prayed and hoped it would be found and it was. So now, I have it back. I am grateful today for everything in my life. I am learning so much. I also realized that I don't have to ever stop loving Shawn. I can continue to let my love for him grow. Each day I learn more about what marriage actually means.

Serenity

Today Serenity discovered her voice. She now "talks" to me along with smiling. We had a good day today. We took some pretty flowers to Shawn's grave, still no headstone. I'm sad about that but I wonder how I will feel seeing my name on the headstone. I suspect I will feel honored, along with the initial heart stopping moment when I first see it. The picture is me and serenity just hanging out on the couch before bed.

Labor Day

Today was interesting.  I think it was the first Labor Day in my work life that I actually worked.  It wasn't that bad though because all the kids were places I didn't have to worry about.  The kids were at Scott's and Serenity was with her baby sitter.  For some reason, maybe just because I wish there was someone to come home to, I was so sad I couldn't for the life of me stop crying.  What's up with that anyway?  Shouldn't I be getting better at knowing that Shawn's not here no matter how much I want him to be?  Everyone I know keeps telling me how awesome I am doing.  If they could just see the insanity in my own mind and heart right now, they would be seriously concerned.  It does help to write these little blogs.  And it does help a lot when people text me to see how I am doing.  Phone calls help.  Loving people just stopping by make me realize that I will someday be ok.  I got the news about being a CNA yesterday.  Technically, the letter came in the mail on Friday but I didn't get to open it until yesterday night when I got home from Midway.  Now that I have that, I feel a little more ready to start nursing school.  And, while I am thinking about it, I wrote my "homework" down that my counselor assigned me.  My assignment was to write down all my current stresses and then prioritize them.  Writing them down was easy.  Prioritizing?? Not so much.  Anyway, here's the list in case you were wondering.  In order, most important first.  Work; Children; Pay for Kate's school pictures; WIC appointment to get checks for Serenity; Get lab work done for Fortis; other appointments for the week; find money for school; find a babysitter for Serenity while I'm at school; Up coming school; Church calling; bills; papers turned into ORS; Social Security appointment; life insurance; death certificates; all the court stuff from Shawn; clean garage and basement; finish painting; Sell van; headstone.  As you can see, some of the stuff is time sensitive and some is just a matter of waiting.  I'll have to check back and see what I can accomplish this week.  Better be going.

Heber Valley

My family went the Heber Valley girls camp this weekend. We stayed in the cabins overnight and we went to the lake Saturday morning. On my way up in just about changed my mind and went home. It's hard to do the things that Shawn and I did together. He really wanted to experience things sober. Like going to the family stuff together. Making new memories together with Serenity. I cried a bit but once I got there I was so glad I went. Then Saturday I joined some of Shawn's family in midway at the Manor. I'm so glad i did that. I stayed in the room we spent our anniversary in. It was good to do that. I felt really close to Shawn. I'm so happy to be surrounded by loving family all the time. It has been a great weekend. I look forward to more of them.

Bittersweet Day

Today was a day of great news.  First, I went to the WIC appointment and found that me and Serenity do indeed qualify for WIC assistance.  Then I took the HESI test and passed with flying colors and I got accepted into Fortis College, pending my background check (no problems there) and my drug test ( again, no problems with that.) Then I found out that what I thought was a horrible transmission problem with the Tahoe turned out being something silly.  Then Scott gave permission for the older kids to go to GOP with their grandparents and cousins.  I am so glad they get to go this year.  Serenity is still growing like a weed, I'm starting to lose weight finally! Things are looking good.  The bittersweet part is that Shawn isn't here in his mortal body to hug me and tell me how proud he is of me.  I sense that he's there and that he is cheering me on.  I can just hear his voice saying, "You don't need validation from me.  That's something I learned in rehab.  You validate yourself."  And he's right.  But still, a hug and a high five would be awesome.  Man, I miss Shawn.  Funny since yesterday I was boiling mad at him.  Ah well, each day is an interesting door to be opened into the future.  It will be interesting to see what tomorrow holds.

Today just sucked

Well, I try to be upbeat but today upbeat can bite me.  I was ok at work even though I did some difficult work on myself during one of the therapy groups today at work.  Right up until I had this one client tell me that I wasn't doing my job and she got mad at me.  The thing is, I went above the call of duty for this client, locating phone numbers that I didn't need to find for her.  I pretty much did my very best today and instead of a little thank you I got a big fat (insert bad word here) you" from her.  Then as I was sitting in the cafeteria waiting for the clients to finish dinner, it hit me that I am mad at Shawn for being an addict, something that I believe was not in his control.  I think he had the choice to use or not, but I think that addiction is a disease and one who has addiction in their life can't just choose to make it be gone.  They can choose to feed it or not but not to erase it.  But still I have anger about the fact that my sweet husband that I love with all my heart had to have this horrible disease that was so difficult for him to fight.  I can't hope to understand what he went through and what he is now working through so we can be the forever family we both want.  The really mean side of me hopes that he understands what I am going through not having him here with me.  But then, wouldn't it be fair for me to have to understand his side too??  Anyways, Serenity and the girls made my night better by cooking dinner while I was gone at work and having it all ready to eat when I got home.  Serenity is just so darn cute that she just makes me happy by smiling at me.  Well, I feel better.  I guess that's what this blog is meant to do.  Help me process my stuff so I can grieve Shawn and then kick butt at nursing school and in life.

Today

Today was especially hard for some reason. I just couldn't stop thinking about Shawn. I saw someone I knew in EMT school today. Just goes to show addiction can happen to anyone. Serenity smiled at me when I picked her up from the babysitter today. She gave me the biggest smiles. I was so glad to see her be so happy. She's an amazing kid, that serenity. She is learning to play with toys now. And she's trying to roll over. I'm so glad she's taking her time growing up. I want to enjoy this as long as I can.

A great time

I had the opportunity to spend some time with the Parker family this weekend. It was so good. I loved getting to know Libby, my step daughter, a little better. I enjoyed visiting with everyone and seeing all the kids running around playing.  The comraderie I felt from everyone was wonderful. The skits and songs were adorable. It was something I look forward to doing again. It cheered me up. Serenity even slept. The ground was hard, new air mattresses next year. It rained but the tent was great. Not a single leak. If Shawn could see me now. Including his daughter whenever I can and taking care of serenity as well, I hope he'd be pleased.

Serenity given

Today was a good day with many accomplishments, but with that, many more things to do.  I am so grateful to my brother in law David for coming with me to an important appointment with my bankruptcy attorney.  I feel we made the best choice possible.  Now, I have completed one of the "assignments" I got from the attorney and just have one left.  I took the girls to the dentist and Katelyn has cavities so, I had to make another appointment with then dentist.  I had a prep class at Fortis College and now I have "homework." I have to get some things squared away in the way of paperwork and studying for the Hesi entrance exam.  I passed my written exam for my CNA license and now, I have to wait to hear back about my skills test.  I talked to the Medical Examiner to finalize Shawn's death certificate and he wasn't in the office so I have to wait to hear back.  I called about possible government help with school and found out that I have to go to another appointment with a specialist.  I got Serenity's birth certificate so I can apply for WIC, yet another appointment.  In my "spare time," I am seeing a grief counselor, getting back into the church, being a mom.  And, I'm still waiting patiently for his headstone that will look so awesome when it finally comes.  I think we have a few more weeks until it comes.  I never thought that I would be so busy in conjunction with Shawn's death.  I'll be glad when things become a little more solidified and not so much stuff in the air.  I thank all those unnamed people that support me daily, texting, messaging, praying for me, helping with the kids when needed.  We'll see how the next couple weeks go.  At the end of it all, I have a great sense of peace, my serenity, that all will be well in the long run.  I just can't give up.  I must endure.

Random Thoughts about today

Thinking a lot about Shawn today.  This has been the longest and the shortest 30 days of my life.  I can't believe that only 30 days ago, Shawn died.  It seems so much longer.  At the same time I feel like, "Wow, 30 days already?! If time speeds by like this then hey I can handle this."  It's strange to me to think that I am starting to do things that I did right after he died.  Like pay certain monthly bills, buy certain things that we have run out of.  I echo what I said before.  I don't want to live without Shawn.  It's not that I can't, obviously I can.  But I don't want to.  Strangely, life is continuing.  In the last 30 days I have accomplished a lot.  I started seeing a grief counselor, I got called to be the relief society chorister, the bathroom is almost done, Serenity has gotten a month older, Braden moved out, the kids started school.  A month of a lot of change.  I cleaned out the dresser today, after I watched the movie montage and cried.  I went to the cemetery and left some pretty flowers.  Sadly, still no headstone.  But I'm sure it will be soon.  I am going to have a yard sale on Sept 19th. I'm going to make a blanket out of his t-shirts to give to Serenity someday.  Or, maybe I'll just keep it.  Thank you Gina for the awesome idea.  So, I was thinking about Shawn and one of the things he really liked was a good comeback story.  He wanted to be a good comeback story that people would tell to give people hope.  I think, reflecting on my life and my future, I am going to be an awesome comeback story.  Once I'm done with nursing school, I should be able to completely support myself and my kids.  I truly hope that I can do nursing school.  Well, I might post again but probably not until tomorrow.  I'm so glad I made it to today.

Shawn

I had just finished feeding Serenity in her room. I was holding her and playing with her, talking to her and stuff. She was smiling and making cute little sounds. All the sudden, she turned her gaze away from me to a spot in the corner of her room near the ceiling. She wouldn't look at me no matter what I did. She was smiling and her like mouth was working so hard like she wanted to talk to whomever she was seeing. I suddenly got a strong impression that it was Shawn and I needed to allow her to see him and be with him. I immediately stopped trying to get her attention and as I was filled with comfort and peace I started to cry. A soft gentle type cry. Eventually Serenity looked at me and smiled huge. It was a very special experience. I obviously need to be more quiet and in tune in my life so I can have more of these experiences.

A lesson learned

Today was a good day. I had to learn patience because I didn't get my bathroom painted on the time frame is wanted. But wait I did and it's now got the first coat of paint. Then one of Shawn's friends texted me for the address to his grave. I was very impressed to offer him a ride. I didn't have any idea why I was supposed to do that.  On the way back home the friend told me how close he and Shawn were. He told me that whenever he needed a place to stay, food, clothing or someone to talk to Shawn was always there for him. I now know why I was supposed to give this friend a ride. I learned even more how important it is not to judge others. I also got to here from yet another person how big Shawn's heart really was. It was a good experience.

Goals accomplished and skills learned

The kids and I learned how fun it is to blow all the mud dust from the cracks in the bathroom with an air compressior. It was great fun and I even hooked everything up the right way. Now, to paint and get everything done. I had a goal today to get all the stuff to make the bathroom usable and I did, with the help of my brother and sister in law. Next goal is to figure out what I'm doing about nursing school.

This week has been full of blessings

Ok, so it all started Sunday morning. I was getting ready for church and I was contemplating the issue of paying my tithing. As most know, I don't have tons of money. I have sufficient for our needs and that's about it. So, I decided to pay it no matter what. Monday when i checked the mail, there was an ambulance bill for Shawn. I thought it was going to be horrible because of the notice i received. I found out that my insurance covered almost all of the transport, making the remaining balance payable. Monday night I put the trailer and van on ksl. By Tuesday night, I had the trailer sold for almost exactly what I was asking. In cash. Then on Wednesday I went to pay the bill for Serenity's 5 days of oxygen. The customer service guy looked up my account and told me it's been paid and that I don't owe anything as of right now. Also on Wednesday I went to the dentist, Shawn's dentist. They told me how wonderful my husband was. How happy he was the last time they saw him. They also shed some light on some suspicions I have about Shawn possibly having some underlying conditions that may have contributed to his death, such as heart disease. I visited Shawn's grave later on and it was good to leave beautiful flowers on his grave. My testimony has been strengthened.

Happy Night

I was sleeping and woke up to a hungry baby, who is now sleeping in her crib. I fed her and looked at the clock. It was 515 am.  I put her to bed at 1030 last night. She slept through the night. I feel so rested. Yay for Serenity. Of course this was just one night but I feel like I slept for a million years. Now I can conquer the day. I hope over time this continues.

Counseling

My grief counselor gave me permission to cry as much as I want for as long as I wanted  and I don't even have to feel bad about it.  He also said that I need to work on focusing on remembering the good times and good memories instead of focusing my energies on the why questions. He also said that I should keep busy. Mostly, I need to not give up on myself, cuz it's going to be a long road.

Month 1

On June 2, 2015 Serenity Grace Parker decided to join our family. Shawn and I were so excited that she had finally come. It took a little while to get her home but once she got settled in, life seemed perfect. I felt like I had everything I could ever want. Serenity was all Shawn talked about. We got off the oxygen fast and started moving on with life. The first month passed so fast. I was shocked when I realized it was time to go back to work. Shawn's job was going great. Things were really  looking up. Also in June we celebrated my birthday and Shawn's father's day. He got me some really heart felt presents for my birthday and I made him some presents from Serenity for Father's day. Nikki also gave him a present. Shawn said it was the best father's day ever.